I sort of messed up recently. I may have said something that did not come across the way I intended it to. I am once again feeling at a loss. I stand alone in a sea of people. So many who don't understand me, and misjudge me for it. It isn't fair. I told myself that I would come back to change impressions of me, this has been the first stumble, and I don't know if they're going to allow me to claw my way back to my feet. I am ever so grateful to Shaun for coming up to me about it. I need to have people who are able to speak openly about it to me. Not people who are afraid of offending me and so avoid approaching me. These people do more harm than anything else, people who don't dare to bring up the subject for fear of uncomfortable situations make it worse because it festers in silence. I begin to think that the solution to this is to bring to them what they seem to want to avoid. Open confrontation would not be the accurate word, I'm not cocking my weapons and bursting through a closed door with an aim to blast the first person in sight to kingdom come. I want feedback, I just need a chance god damn it. Levin did not help my situation one bit, telling them that I'd gone there and then come back unchanged. I want to believe that I've changed, I had thought that I was displaying some changes... what worries me is that i was wrong. Fuck...I'm one confused person. Unsettled. It affects my mental equilibrium, prevents me taking the stress in my stride. Yeah, it is like what Janice mentioned in the email. I too want to be around people who don't judge me on face value.
On a different note...my sister is insane if she thinks she has no social life...stupid idiot.
Life is infinitely harsh no matter where you find yourself. I received agonizing reminder of that in the past two weeks. As usual...no details can be mentioned, military security and all. Let us just say that it isn't often that a lack of remorse holds more weightage than honest sincerety and leave it at that. I did not have any idea how tightly wound the two weeks have made me till a few minutes ago. It's amazing that at this age I still possess the ability to break down in tears. Needless to say I at least have the strength to control some of my emotions, preventing such an embarrassing spectacle from occuring in public. In spite of that, it came about really quite suddenly all things considered. I just dumped myself on my bed belly first, dug my face in the mess of my blanket and cried shamelessly like a child. It made me feel so much better. I know grown men don't normally do this, but people shouldn't be scorned for doing it anyway because it's good, and it was the safest and most unembarrassing means for me to indulge in a bit of harmless tension relief. After a while, i realised that i was just feeling sorry myself. it began to dawn on me that i probably appeared quite pathetic, even if there wasn't a soul present to witness it. Here was the timely return of shame to my awareness. It's not easy being me, it isn't easy being anyone for that matter. Life makes a person hard, the same way skin becomes calloused after repeated damage through contact with abrasive surfaces. I had wondered whether life had turned me ice cold on the inside as i so often appear externally. Today was a reminder that a part of me remains soft as it was during a time when life seemed so much more carefree. A poignant reminder to myself that for all the steel that i display in everyday life, i really am still as vulnerable as the next guy/girl on the inside, and that vulnerability remains protected and unspoilt because no matter what misfortune the powers that be throws at me, life goes on eventually. I'm glad i'm still able to cry.
There's nothing to write about these days, although there really is a lot to mention about what happens in camp. i'm just not allowed to write about the things that occur here. It is very hard to determine what would get you into trouble and what would not get you into trouble, so to stay on the safe side, i simply avoid saying anything related to military life. Which unfortunately limits me to absolutely nothing, because my non-military life is limited to one and a half days spent at home each week. Even the few times when i actually meet some friends to do social stuff, i completely avoid talking about military stuff because i don't want to become your typical Singaporean guy. I try to avoid the, "there they go again, talking about army...it's so boring and it's all they ever talk about" scenario. Yet my life, as kenneth has said, completely revolves around SAFTI, whether i like it or not. So i'm not much use when it comes to making conversation with people. It has put a huge ass dent in my social life, which has by now become non-existant, with the exception of a few faint embers glowing every now and then in a fire that is pretty darn close to being completely dead. All that piled on top of my already being chronically disposed to morosity should naturally lead to depression one would think. Strangely, i think i have grown in the past few years. I hope i'm handling things better than i used to. I more or less know what my flaws are and these take time to address, but at least i don't take a "i want everyone to burn in the fires of hell" attitude any longer.
A void widens itself and gradually consumes from within with each passing day. Everything appearing so distant, memories as elusive as the foggiest of dreams. Where has everybody gone?
I look forward to every weekend eagerly, counting down the days, yet when it finally comes, i struggle to find meaningful activities to occupy my time.
Each time i try to describe how i feel, it feels like i am running myself into a brick wall. I'm getting nowhere, and it's been this was for months. I've lost my mojo.
Unsettled and perplexed.