I actually have a shot at going to OCS after Dive phase is over...and its all kind of dependent on what happens on Thursday. At one point i was very enthusiastic at pushing it all the way, to see where i might end up if i showed a positive attitude towards everything. Now that i have to go back to camp during a block leave, i'm starting to feel regret creeping up behind me in little bits. What happens on Thursday...i don't really know in detail, but the gist of it is this, i'm gonna be interviewed by the commanding officer of NDU and a few other warrant officers. This interview will determine my chance of attending officer cadet school. hmm..i could finish my NS a bloody lieutenant. Let it be said that i definitely want to be an officer for many reasons. The strangest of which is because my sister has been to an OCS passing out parade or whatever they call those things, and i haven't. So i intend to go one up by being in the damned parade itself. Ok...lame i know, but it's the most trivial of the many reasons i want to go, so i decided to give it some mention. My competition isn't easy to fend off...but there's a chance for 3 of the top 5 to go...soo....i get a good whack at it...60percent chance? I'll take what i get. What a waste of my leave...not that i've actually spent it productively thus far... The emotions i'm experiencing are quite conflicted...disappointment at having to return to camp during leave...at 730 am.....and excitement at the prospect of challenging them for a spot in OCS..
Hell week has ended, and i am of course not drastically changed at all as a person. Certainly the experience was enough to affect the state of some of my perceptions, but i cannot as yet put my finger to them accurately. From here i move on to the most important phase of my course. The dive phase...ultimately the longest and the one phase that determines whether i make it out as a diver or not because at the end of the next 13 or so weeks, i shall receive my dive badge. A mighty achievement, but for now i shall just dwell upon hell week. No mean feat surviving hell week. The cold treatment, the terrifying chow runs, soaked feet covered in blisters and many other testing activities. Nearly all activities played dual roles in testing one's mental and physical strength. The whistle drills...trying to fight to gain your own respite...just when you think yourself almost secure, the sound of the whistle starts coming from the opposite direction a hundred metres away, and it becomes all you can do to just turn around and force yourself off toward it. I must reflect upon my boat mates, Andrew in particular, for his amazing effort during that final run before security. The day before he had been told that he would be joining the next batch of hellweekers because his fever had forced him to sit out a night or two of training. In spite of that, he chose to stay with the boat through one of the toughest tests we had ever faced throughout the whole week, and he came through for us, and that alone showed everyone that he deserved a place in the next phase, and so he was given that secure position as well. His loyalty is touching, he had nothing to gain from joining us yet still he did, and the benefits reaped were plenty. Our regular, Mr Tan, an amazingly strong man in mind and in body, a constant inspiration to our boat and one of the reasons why our boat managed to perform above average most of the time. I must applaud their resilience, John's running with his testicular and thigh abrasions...simply amazing.
Hell week begins 24 hours from now. My pre-hell week thoughts...not much really, other than a great desire to complete every hour of it and pass out uninjured. A week ago, i was nervous, having experienced hell day, the thought of having to go through another 4 similar days was really terrifying. Now, most fears have subsided, and in its place is a the typical calm before the storm kinda feeling. This is supposed to be the biggest rite of passage any young man doing national service could possibly endure. I hope i come out truly a changed person.
Having endured hell day...i find myself really quite worried about getting through hell week. The most important thing i'd discovered about enduring these things is not thinking about how fast or...indeed how slow time flies. If there's anyway to cope with it...it's to take every thing one step at a time and to maintain a level of alertness sufficient to prevent injury, which has to be my biggest fear at the moment. If i manage to conquer this big hurdle, the rest of the way would seem to be within touching distance, long as the distance may seem at the toughest of times.
I spent the night with my "prefect friends", oh i do find it awkward to refer to them as prefect friends, we had a steamboat dinner and followed by dessert at NYDC. Before we met, i must confess that i was faintly worried that the outing would be an uncomfortable one. The last time we'd met up was a year ago. A lot changes in a year, and there were many questions in my mind. Would we be able to click as well as we did in the distant past. Would we have anything interesting to say to one another once the typical pleasentries had been exchanged? With growing maturity, i do hope it is right to use the term growing maturity on myself, i have found a greater need to improve my networking, and part of that would include keeping in touch with old friends such as these for they form a precious part of my memories, of a time when things were fun and easy -the life of a teenager, while coupled with its endless list of struggles is ultimately fun-, when we had boundless amounts of energy and when life didn't hold so many responsibilities. While i miss those times so much, what i miss most would be their company. Perhaps my biggest regret about last night was that...nobody brought a camera.
I must admit to feeling really quite morose right now. The thought of having to return to military life after living so comfortably these past few days has me feeling so dejected. To nurse the pain, i'm listening to Rosemary Clooney...slow jazz standards to suit my emotional state. I'm probaby slightly affected by the fact that it's the first day of the new year as well. It means theres a whole year ahead to deal with. 2007 was...a very eventful year to say the least, it was so packed with numerous milestones, i can barely recall half of them. I wouldn't say that it passed by quickly, there were just so many things happening, most of it right now is just a blur. To think that 2008 might be equally hectic...sends a slight tremor down my spine. I think my new year's resolution was a bit vague......"To take more control over my life"...What do i mean by this...well i've not quite figured it out. Perhaps i want to take on more responsibilities in the house..make myself a little more useful around..funny i should be saying that right now as i laze about before the computer while my parents are busying themselves with packing this and that downstairs. Perhaps i should, if time permits and the opportunity arises, take up a class...maybe resume french classes or pick up some other life skill during the weekends. My course will end before the this year is halfway through anyway. Taking up a regular class outside might allow me to meet new people as well...even if i do take a rather long time to warm up to strangers let alone get close to them or trust them for that matter. Perhaps i should start financial planning as well. It would make a good practice, planning with my meager pay may seem at first pointless and difficult to adhere to, but it would train me to use money with greater prudence. I get 400 a month. I have 4 weekends out, i should budget...30 dollars a weekend. Multiplied by 4, that is 120. I'll have..380 left. 50 for monthly transport. I should have a lot more money than i do right now...i think i've been wasting it a little..No matter...its a new year, time to do things with more organization. Even if it means keeping track of monthly spending. My father just turned on some Elvis Pressley...it's helping the mood. Pay day is in 9 days...the time will come to put things to the test.
My social circle could be likened to a cretin. Undeveloped..stunted...The need to meet new people never presented itself to me in a stronger form than it did today. Too few friends, to few reliable friends. It's probably really unwise but i wish i did have a girlfriend. Lately, the need for companionship has just seemed stronger. I never truly realised how important the DA kids were to me till now. Since we'd left school,
there had never really been a proper DA outing till this month, and just being together with them felt so right, it felt so natural. It's amazing how a single elective module could lead to the discovery of friends so special and unique that i should describe them as probably the one of best things to have happened to me in poly. Like
Jas, i really sentimental, especially about friends like them, i just have problems expressing it or even revealing it. If and when i do go overseas to study, the one of the first people
i'd like to see upon coming back would be them. I must admit that having not met up for such a long time till recently,
i'd actually resigned myself to the conclusion that it was one of those friendships that was magical while it lasted but that's that. Renewing the bonds this month..or rather, reminding myself of their existence...it really put things into a different light. Made life seem so much more enriched. I guess the most significant thing i can conclude about returning to band so regularly at this juncture in life is that, my social circle has advanced so poorly that i don'thave anything better to do on weekends other than band. While i heap the praises upon my DA friends, i find myself sadly disappointed with my secondary school friends. Having invited them to a new year's party at my place, they let me down by chickening out at the last minute because they had figured out that my place would be packed with people they didn't recognize and they'd rather do their own thing than be placed in that situation. I wish they had come, i wish i had their companionship through the passing of this new year. I suppose i can't have everything.
New Year's Resolution: Take more control over my life.
