Monday, July 31, 2006
It's frustrating to keep trying and trying to make things work. I grow tired of seeing my group mates. They remind me of failure. My expression is an endless scowl, anger simmers in my eyes. I sit still and try to control the heat. I get angrier instead. I feel pressured, it's making me emotional. How can you hide from what never goes away? DAMN STUPID FINAL YEAR PROJECT.
I feel like shit. A huge mountain of elephant dung.
I've made my usual exam month timetable. That stabilizes the emotions somewhat. I've got a new book, Prozac Nation. I've only read like the first few pages of the prologue. It seems to be about a girl struggling with depression and drugs. I'm gonna go for Les Liaisons Dangereuse next...
I feel like shit. A huge mountain of elephant dung.
I've made my usual exam month timetable. That stabilizes the emotions somewhat. I've got a new book, Prozac Nation. I've only read like the first few pages of the prologue. It seems to be about a girl struggling with depression and drugs. I'm gonna go for Les Liaisons Dangereuse next...
Friday, July 28, 2006
I miss DA. We went to BK at Tiong Bahru Plaza..which i never knew existed this week. I normally hate eating fast food, but its the only thing we ever eat together for some reason. I was awfully stoned, bleary eye and just really exhausted. You can tell from the photos taken...but it was fun so what the heck man. It's always weird, how you have the most fun with stuff that aren't really planned out. Oh and it's really disappointing how DA is just down to the core 5 of us. Shane, Shahid, Benedict, Stefanie and Jasmine.
A few nights past, i sat down, feeling nostalgic. I desired a short trip down memory lane. I plonked my hand down upon the blue mouse and circled my desktop with the cursor for a brief moment before i navigated my way across the clutter to the folder named "Australia-'06 Ben".
And for a fluttering second, i wish i could click my heels together thrice and appear with a pop in the scenes depicted by the photographs. Take a deep breath of air, and really just soak in the moment and take in the nitty gritty details i did not take notice of due to the whirlwind rush that was my day in Sydney.
In the aftermath of our dissolution, i stand aside and observe as life returns to normal. A wink of a moment brushing the dust from our clothing and we begin to gather the pieces and move on from there. I feel alone, as i make my way up a steep slide, looking around for a steadying shoulder or arm to give me support and reassurance. But i find none, and resolve to be that steadying arm for others who may wish to undertake this same trek.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
All these errant emotions to deal with, so difficult to control, so much of an inconvenience. It really never is easy. I must control them with an iron fist. Status quo, gotta maintain that. It takes quite a fair bit of effort, i've resorted to some pretty unorthodox exercises. Imagining all the pent up energy and emotions streaming out of the depths of my bowels and into a box that lies on the floor before me. As the box fills up beyond its capacity, i blow it up with a mental snap of the fingers. This is really one of those times that i loathe complexities. I probably should find a girlfriend...it shocked me this morning when i woke up and realised to my shock and horror that it haunted me in last night's dream. *long sigh*
I had fun playing football last night. After the session we sat around the playground next to Ping Yi and played...Indian Poker. Which involves sticking a card on your forehead. Being the poor sucker that i am, i ended up doing 100 push-ups worth of penalties at 0030 hours. Not a very enjoyable experience, but it showed me the wonders of making exercise a habit and having a quota to fill each day does help the motivation bit.
The exercise serves as a solid distraction though, tension gets used up for my physical demands.
I had fun playing football last night. After the session we sat around the playground next to Ping Yi and played...Indian Poker. Which involves sticking a card on your forehead. Being the poor sucker that i am, i ended up doing 100 push-ups worth of penalties at 0030 hours. Not a very enjoyable experience, but it showed me the wonders of making exercise a habit and having a quota to fill each day does help the motivation bit.
The exercise serves as a solid distraction though, tension gets used up for my physical demands.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I sigh letting out my breath is a gust of frustration as i throw my head back against the back of my chair, stairing at the ceiling feeling utterly vexed. I try to wipe the scowl off my face by thinking of something funny, but the effort is futile and i continue frowning at the monitor. I've had a bad last three days. The final year project is wearing me thin, any more setbacks and i'll burst a blood vessel in my brain.
I changed the gerbil's bedding today, i'd forgotten what clean bedding looked and smelled like. Imagine not sweeping the floor or flushing the toilet bowl from March to July. That was the condition the poor critters were in.
Like my fish?
Sunday, July 16, 2006
They wont gold..and they topped the division. It was quite euphoric, we do go out with a bit of bang this time. Some higher powers must be in play here, everytime we find ourselves on the verge of separation, something stands in the way much to our delight. I was just crazed with joy when they announced the results, screaming myself hoarse, a rush of emotions similar only to that which i felt in 2002 when we got that gold in outdoor. My head must have some kind of alarm system however, because everytime i go wild with joy, i find myself dwelling in sad thoughts mere minutes later. This time, i was wallowing in self-pity, brooding about how i didn't get a chance to play a part, and how none of this is mine and i don't deserve a part of it because i didn't take part in the crucial moment. I'm dispensable. I hate that. I always get this way in time of mad joy, my system's way of balancing the nature of things. Can't be too happy...it upsets the balance... Geez...i can't quite collect my thoughts right now. It's really difficult to properly convey my mood..
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Argh...my eye. Damned right eye is giving me problems again...an eye bag develops when i use the computer for more than an hour it seems. If i have to...i'm getting specs by the end of the year. Pirates of the Caribbean will be out this thursday, gonna do my best to catch it before it comes out on DVD. My short movie watching run has stopped. I need new CDs, my appetite for new material has increased, i need new stuff, preferably digitally remastered, because its really difficult to listen to recordings from records, With all the fuzzy background noise turning the sound of the trumpet into strangled shrieks. Gonna trot down to grammophone one of these days...when i get money and free time. I'll get myself a new bag too...haven't the slightest idea what to get really..I shall go down to Sameer's "office", i trust his judgement too anyway, recommendations from him usually work out well, i'm can really be a walking fashion disaster, i just make these outrageous judgements now and then.
I'm bobbing my head to Duke Ellington right now, i'm gonna look for Count Basie and Benny Goodman next time i head off on a spending spree. Gosh i have really got to watch the spending.
I'm bobbing my head to Duke Ellington right now, i'm gonna look for Count Basie and Benny Goodman next time i head off on a spending spree. Gosh i have really got to watch the spending.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Sometimes people surprise you, they tell you things that catch you off guard and leave you feeling pleasently surprised with the hint of smile struggling against will to spread across your face. Huifang managed to do that to me today; she was observant beyond what i initially expected. She saw things that friends i've known for a good long time were too preoccupied with to take note of. Well, she wasn't exactly doing anything at that point in time anyway, seeing as how the percussion section has an abundance of players but limited parts to give them. But the point is...she noticed. What she noticed? Well, she noticed that my disposition was particularly stormy, and my strut was fairly hostile. In summary, she flippin knew that i was in a fould mood, but friends i've known since sec1 and longer didn't. Or at perhaps they did, just didn't think much of it, so deemed it unworthy of mention. Really shouldn't underestimate people...
I bought a line of tubing for my pump from my cousin's fish shop today. He was so warm and friendly, family rocks honestly...i'd gladly go back to patronize when in need of miscellaneous supplies anytime.
I had to vote myself out of the NBC competition today. It left a pang of regret and sadness shivering throung my skin. Accolada means a lot to me, it isn't a particularly incredible song, it's not very difficult, but it's my song. Ping Yi's song, especially in my era. When things were different, when we were strong, when we had fun in band together. We nearly used it for our failed attempt to participate in the indoor SYF, we used in the the outdoor SYF, we used it for our speech day. It was the song that had Kenrick feeling amazed at the standards of Ping Yi at the time. It was a song that made me proud, that had me going. I still hum the background rhythm of the song sometimes when i jog. The song represents and symbolizes everything from that era!!! I'm sad that i won't get to give it one last go.
Another thing is that this is our final hurrah, after all, the Titans are no more in about a week's time. I won't be a part of it. I once wrote about inclusion and how it's such a great motivating factor. This falls in that category, albeit under a different context. I feel proud and special being a part of the band. I feel needed, then again, i am not needed, when i decided to step out, nobody uttered a word of objection. When Janice and Atika did, woah, the reaction they received was a veritable roar of violent objection. I'm jealous. Not a lot though, more worried, worried that even in spite of conscious efforts to gain what i term acceptance, i still can't climb over that wall, the foundation of which is constructed of a gap in generation and a lack of connection.
I bought a line of tubing for my pump from my cousin's fish shop today. He was so warm and friendly, family rocks honestly...i'd gladly go back to patronize when in need of miscellaneous supplies anytime.
I had to vote myself out of the NBC competition today. It left a pang of regret and sadness shivering throung my skin. Accolada means a lot to me, it isn't a particularly incredible song, it's not very difficult, but it's my song. Ping Yi's song, especially in my era. When things were different, when we were strong, when we had fun in band together. We nearly used it for our failed attempt to participate in the indoor SYF, we used in the the outdoor SYF, we used it for our speech day. It was the song that had Kenrick feeling amazed at the standards of Ping Yi at the time. It was a song that made me proud, that had me going. I still hum the background rhythm of the song sometimes when i jog. The song represents and symbolizes everything from that era!!! I'm sad that i won't get to give it one last go.
Another thing is that this is our final hurrah, after all, the Titans are no more in about a week's time. I won't be a part of it. I once wrote about inclusion and how it's such a great motivating factor. This falls in that category, albeit under a different context. I feel proud and special being a part of the band. I feel needed, then again, i am not needed, when i decided to step out, nobody uttered a word of objection. When Janice and Atika did, woah, the reaction they received was a veritable roar of violent objection. I'm jealous. Not a lot though, more worried, worried that even in spite of conscious efforts to gain what i term acceptance, i still can't climb over that wall, the foundation of which is constructed of a gap in generation and a lack of connection.