Just one last accursed paper to pull through. Boring dry and excrutiatingly poorly organised notes. Pure torture just studying this module. If anyone one wants to take up Biotechnology, this is the one module that could possible convince them to give their misguided decision a second thought. The days between the end of this semester and my flight to Brisbane will be a mad rush. A rush i am most uncomfortable with, a frenzy of things to settle, documentation fluttering about, packing, preparations. I'm not accustomed to such things, previous trips to far away places having been taken care off entirely by my parents, i now understand the immensity of the preparations required for a trip far from home and i wonder at their ability to pull one off for the whole family.
I'm now at a cross-roads. A convergence of priorities and desires and duty. I must now once again begin some soul searching as the tend to call it, certainly not the first time i have come to such a juncture. Yet at each convergence, the circumstances are different the choices to make are different, never the same, and always requiring new considerations and inevitably new sacrifices.
In response to your rallying war cry Kenrick, i would say this..."Lead me warleader" But this is a crucial time for me as it is for them, and i am afraid that my physical presence is of scant use to any of us if my heart and mind are elsewhere. This month away shall give me time to reflect and consider the position of this band in my life. I thus entreat that on my return, should i have decided that our paths (the band's and my own) do run parallel, you welcome my intentions and presence with open arms. For now, i can only apologize that i can offer only so little. Thus as it ever was, i walk alone -literally so this time, now that i find myself the only person attached to Rockhampton, Australia-.
Oh dawn approaches but it is an overcast one, shrouded by the grey clouds of doubt and instability.
Shit... i'm flipping 19 years old this year. This is my birthday entry. So, in keeping with tradition, i spent the whole day doing nothing, studying a little, basically idling at home. The same thing i do on pretty much every other birthday. I would not say that it was disappointing though, an uneventful and if anything..mundane day which i enjoyed quite thoroughly...feeding fish, scanning through Chemistry. The week was a good one, freedom of choice, yet having a direction to move in. The exams, are perhaps more important to my functioning properly than i would care to openly admit. In any case, i am 19 now. The last year of life that can be properly termed teenage. And that fact hold more weight than i am comfortable with. I have reached a transition year, one of two transition years, 19 and 20, before i reach adulthood. Damn human life for being so short and volatile.
I went to buy my first Janet Seidel CD. I don't know anything about her to be honest, but her music i've discovered its really good. Jazz by the way, lounge jazz. She sings in french and english.
I am now roughly one week from Australia, and i hve received word that the project will be Molecular Genetics of Great Barrier Reef Fish. Bloody hell!! i couldn't have asked for a more suitable and interesting subject to work upon...other than workin on rainbow fish..but holy crap this is exciting. Its right up my path this attachment. Unfortunately i have plenty of cause for complaint as i have found the polytechnic's handling of this attachment rather sloppy and disinterested. Like only yesterday, i learnt that i would have to take a domestic flight from Brisbane to Rockhampton which a good 650 or more kilometres away. Good Lord they could have at least given me that jolly piece of information two weeks ago or something. Damn those crappy bastards.
I spoke with Heeru a while ago, first time in several years since we left school. It was a rather enjoyable but brief chat. She told me not to have expectations of this trip. I agree, having expectations will blind me to what i can learn and what i can experience. I should indeed be open to anything once i am there, and that probably includes eating whatever they eat there...even if its some crazy shit like Wombat meat or Kangaroo penis..
The exams are looming around the corner. And boy do i lack confidence right now, so much to complete, so little time. The one thing that has actually been worrying me the most is that i seem to be putting in so little effort this semester. I've found it difficult to study the past few days, having been forced to study outside of home by the fact that everytime i take my notes out at home, a distraction always manages to find its way into my lap. The progress i have made over the last 3 to 4 days has been agonizingly slow and this is a huge cause for concern. Shit..just look at the way i'm talking. I've become the ultimate geek! I've embraced geekhood with open arms. DAMN BIOTECHNOLOGY! Still on matters of study, i hate studying on my own. I absolutely despise it. I used to have Ummar for company in the past 3 semesters, this semester i seem to be on my own. We've grown rather distant i'd say. Now when i need the company, no one who would mug with me in silence comes to mind. This is one topsy turvy semester which i can't wait to get over and done with. Imagine having a paper on your birthday. Now i don't normally like crazy big bashes or outings on my birthday, but i do hate to be tied down by academic concerns. I'd much rather be wasting my time away doing absolutely nothing at all.
Shahid and I did Christine a favour on tuesday...which was Valentine's Day... a silly celebration i've never appreciated nor understood. We turned up as her guests at her DMC communication 101 thingymajig because she was reuired to have at least two guests and the number of guests she managed to drag along would affect her grade in a module. And i for one regretted nearly every damn minute of it. I've nothing against their course, but i'm just simply not interested at all in propoganda. It was such a typical polytechnic propoganda event. Advertisement of all the fun stuff, vague references to the things you could possibly do in future-without mention that half of those things are not at all possible without a damned degree- and loads of free stuff. On a side note...DMC girls are so much more attractive than CLS girls in general, i hate CLS.
Australia...here i come, i'm not bursting with enthusiasm about this right now. But at least i know that i'm definitely going there already, because the attachment placement has come out on the SAS and it turns out that Gregory Poi is my liaison officer. I'm not sure how we get assigned liaison officers but i for one am glad that it's Greg Poi, because at least i know the man, and am comfortable talking to him openly. This trip is such a huge thing right now, its going to affect me in so many ways. To start with, independent living, then there's working in a lab environment, working overseas, living overseas...ALONE..for more than 4 weeks. I'd say that the thing i most look forward to is actually the end of the whole affair, where i may -if elements that govern chance flow my way- get to go down to Wollongong for a short two to three day stay with Aunty Liz and Uncle Dave. The real adventure really begins then! But i'll look at it in this manner, if i am to go study for my degree overseas in the future. This experience is one that will undoubtedly prepare for much of what is to come with such an undertaking in the future.
I had my french oral today. Jean-Marc says that i am the best student in the class, and that "tu parlerai francais un jour"-you will speak french one day. I was happy to make him proud, and this only means that i have to put in more effort in the coming year to make him prouder still.
Hm, you know what, one of these days, i will attempt to write a whole entry in French, just to see how far i've actually progressed since first year. I doubt this will come till after next semester though.
Les examens viennent!
Friendship. We
Homo sapiens are a very gregarious species. Friends are not only necessary for development in society but also for development of your own person. This evening, i was approached by a group of students from NUS, they were doing a project, and they wanted to conduct a video interview on friendship. Naturally i obliged, because like any other teenager here and around the world. Friends play such a huge an important role in life, that a world without them would be absolutely inconceivable. Furthermore, i thought that it was an interesting project, being a student and having to do projects myself, i had a soft spot for their situation and wanted to help. I don't know how they picked me out of the huge crowd down orchard road.. Anyhow, i was with friends. Friends that just walked on, and knowingly left me standing there while they asked if i would help them on a friendship interview. Hah..some friends they are. Yeah, i'm being harsh, but i'm a hard person. On a serious note though, it would have been good if they had a part in that interview. Friends when the sun shines. I digress -as i always do-, The questions went something like this: Are friends important to you, why? How do you prioritise your friends? Would you say that your friends influence you, perhaps in the way that you talk and dress or some other way? Is openess and honesty and sharing of deep secrets an important aspect of friendship? Thankfully for my sorry ass. At least one of them was truly a good friend, Felix, he came back to help me answer the questions. We fed of one another's responses, about how friend's shape you through their principles, good principles that you may adopt...and then adapt to suit yourself. And other answers like how respect is high on the list of importance, and then he read my mind by adding on understanding immediately after. How balance between family and friends is essential, and not really putting one above the other at all times. Yeap, that's a friend i know i will still be in contact with ten years from now.
This is totally random but..i know i too critical and too harsh on people....yeah...
You never know how fast time flies until one fine day a reminder pops up from out of nowhere to scare the living daylights out of your sorry hide. Narumon left for Australia today. She has her diploma and a higher diploma, both of which she attained within the past two years. Now, she's headed on for the big U word. University. She's opened a whole new chapter in her life! The one in which she gets a damned degree! So off i went to the airport-which i tell you looks lovely- along with Dianty, Namira and Jingyan to see her off, one last time before she leaves. She will be back in 2 and a half year's time. By then i should be just about done with my National Service. It was wonderful seeing their faces again, i'd not realised how much i prefered their company to damn nearly anyone in SP's. We had not seen each other in such a long time, but we managed to hit it off just fine. Dianty, was surprised to learn that my sister is in J2 now, crikey...just mouthing those words leaves a strange after taste on my palate as well. Last year must have been a year of transition of sorts. Thing's were not to my liking so often. This year seems to be a year of begining, of acceptance of change.
Time passes, people move on, some faster than others. Inevitably we all end up leaving some fragments of our lives behind, even i too must let go in order to gain. And i have done thus, by applying for the Australian OITP, at the expense of being able to go for band regularly during the holidays. The application has been
TENTATIVELY approved, something i discovered only yesterday. And that damned email left me shaking with anticipation and excitement for a good 2 to 3 hours! Bloody hell, it left me unable to eat my lunch in peace and HIGHLY unable to concentrate on revising for my French test.
Moving on, i've realised that, the band has become a very undesirable place to go to. So much so that a month ago, i was more than willing to give up an opportunity for an overseas attachment in Shanghai. Now, i readily resort to an overseas attachment as a form of escape from the drudgery that is actually going for dreadfully aimless practices. Practices in which i gain no self-satisfaction from, no sense of achievement and most disappointingly no sense of having felt that i had contributed to their progress in any way at all. As such, i take the cowards course, and chose an escape. That is the reality of it, and i am ALMOST ashamed to admit it, yet not, because there comes a time when you reach a limit to the amount you can contribute as one person walking alone. I have found myself unable to work in the same direction or the same wavelength as Kenrick in recent months, and so i extraticate myself from potentially complicating matters in the crucial months to come before the Outdoor competition. I will still faithfully attend practices in an effort to help integrate the secondary 1s who are taking it upon themselves to join this final campaign. Truthfully, my usefulness has dminished with time and i can no longer take an active stance in this second campaign since my graduation. When i ponder on why i no longer see any Dragon Babies or Rabbits...let alone 1986 babies coming back. I realise that perhaps they have had no choice but to move on as well. There are two ways of getting on with life in this situation, I either integrate this age old segment into my current lifestyle, or i entirely give up my past affiliations and emotions in order to progress. Integration after much effort has failed to succeed, and i now draw out a different approach. One which will gradually see me fade from band activities into non-existance by the time i hit my final year project period. Of the friends i have made in the process, the time which we have to spend together lessens drastically by the day. A fact you must be made aware of, as i know many of you are discontented by the state of things. As such, i urge that we put it to good use! I revel in the energy of others, leeching onto it and adding more of my own at the same time. The time will come when i may no longer see each of you more than once every few months, and i will miss the good times. Nothing is ever easy... especially suffering time's ravages on the heart.
