Life is infinitely harsh no matter where you find yourself. I received agonizing reminder of that in the past two weeks. As usual...no details can be mentioned, military security and all. Let us just say that it isn't often that a lack of remorse holds more weightage than honest sincerety and leave it at that. I did not have any idea how tightly wound the two weeks have made me till a few minutes ago. It's amazing that at this age I still possess the ability to break down in tears. Needless to say I at least have the strength to control some of my emotions, preventing such an embarrassing spectacle from occuring in public. In spite of that, it came about really quite suddenly all things considered. I just dumped myself on my bed belly first, dug my face in the mess of my blanket and cried shamelessly like a child. It made me feel so much better. I know grown men don't normally do this, but people shouldn't be scorned for doing it anyway because it's good, and it was the safest and most unembarrassing means for me to indulge in a bit of harmless tension relief. After a while, i realised that i was just feeling sorry myself. it began to dawn on me that i probably appeared quite pathetic, even if there wasn't a soul present to witness it. Here was the timely return of shame to my awareness. It's not easy being me, it isn't easy being anyone for that matter. Life makes a person hard, the same way skin becomes calloused after repeated damage through contact with abrasive surfaces. I had wondered whether life had turned me ice cold on the inside as i so often appear externally. Today was a reminder that a part of me remains soft as it was during a time when life seemed so much more carefree. A poignant reminder to myself that for all the steel that i display in everyday life, i really am still as vulnerable as the next guy/girl on the inside, and that vulnerability remains protected and unspoilt because no matter what misfortune the powers that be throws at me, life goes on eventually. I'm glad i'm still able to cry.
