I find myself faced with a most difficult dilemma. After 4 months, my broken scaphoid...the bone in my wrist... has not fully healed. I am due for national service in the next 3 or so weeks. Which leaves me with a fairly difficult decision to make. I can choose to go in now and risk becoming a clerk...the alternative is requesting for deferment for a period of 6 months. Which means i effectively sign on next april. The most positive outcome from this would be going in and serving as a clerk for a few months before doing my full BMT in a higher Pes status. Which is all very "iffy" because i cannot predict what might happen. I find myself in a most unfortunate situation. I do not want to be a clerk because it would be a sheer waste of my 2 years of service. Yet, the faster i am done with this the earlier i can begin my further education. 2 years is a god awful long time to spend behind a desk. I want a proper national service, i want to experience the full thing... not a watered down version for shit heads who cant take excessive activity because they don't want to. Defering for such a long period has its benefits, aside from the obvious drawbacks like starting work later than my peers. I could use the time to travel around the world. Experience new cultures and such. Work in a foreign country before moving on to the next. The choices are plain and simple, but the decision is a difficult one to make. I believe a logical step to take is to dial up CMPB tomorrow and throw my queries at them.
A huge problem with all of this is my own personal view that up till now, my life has been plagued by my inability to capitalize of my full potential. If i become a clerk...i realise that i could obviously become so much more, but am held back by circumstances over which i have little to no control. Frankly i'm disappointed with myself. Everything i've done...it just seems as if i could've done so much more. I saw national service as an opportunity to reach at least 70 percent of my true potential. Now..i am faced with the depressing possibility that i might have to defend the country with a god damned pen and mouse.
After getting the CT scan done, i took a couple of minutes to stare at the image projected on the monitor. I could see the line of the fracture, but i allowed myself to be a victim of false hope. Allowed myself to consider the posibility that it might not still be broken. Hope is a slut, it seduces you into a comfortable mindset...making you absorb positive scenarios and outcomes, but reality bites like a rabid dog. And i've been bitten far too often. I allowed myself to hope that it was possibly healed already, and the outcome was disappointment amplified by many times. In any case. I am in deep shit. I can't make a good decision.
I pranced over to the IDP open day this weekend. The possibilities are intriguing of course, it would seem that in any uni in australia i would be able to get a year's exemption. UQ might give me 2.. 1.5 if i manage to squeeze my way into Melbourne. There is a touch of irony to it all, given that i would not qualify for a university locally. The other niggling problem is the course i should choose. I am faced with so many different majors that i don't know which major would benefit me the most in a local situation. Or it could be that, it doesn't matter at all!
