Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Things have taken a somewhat undesirable turn at work. I've been moved! I now work in the basement with a strange old man named Teo. I spent the whole day counting paper, records from 2002...five flipping years ago. On a strange note, i came across one belonging to NKF. I can't say more of course without breaching the law...perhaps i already have by mentioning it. Anyhow, this new colleague of mine is and old dude who's hooked on the Hacks sweets. He was popping one in his mouth every half hour at the same time offering me one each time he had one. In order to be polite, you really don't want to offend a chap you're stuck with in the basement for 8 hours a day, i had no choice but to accept the damned sweets. Now and then i'd pretend to unwrap the thing and stick in my mouth while i was actually hiding it in my fist and sneaking it into the waste paper basket at my feet. I don't really have anything against the man, he's nice, talks to me, shows concern about my welfare, so i shall just put up with his eccentricities. The one especially hard to deal with is his love for hokkien music. The only English artiste he has in his stash is Elton John. Another strange thing happened this week. My old classmate from secondary school, Jing Nan...or however you spell her name has started working in the same office at the CPF helpdesk for E-submissions. She was always so quiet in the past, literally in the background of everything. I didn't even recall her name till one of the permanent staff introduced her to her new colleagues.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The last few days i've immersed myself into the monotonous drone of working life. I get up early, prance off to work and when i finish work, i roll up my sleeves, turn on the mp3 player and read the whole journey home. With each day at work i inch closer to my paycheck. Money which i don't want to spend of course, with all that i have in mind for the distant future...some financial planning is required. I'm beginning to think that a trip to Europe with Jon won't quite materialize. He wants to live comfortably, while i essentially want to live on a shoestring budget. Perhaps i shall have to go on my own. That's a long way off though. If there's one thing i must REALLY thank my parents for, it would have to be my upbringing. Growing up on a small weekly allowance has thought me how to live as frugally as possible.
The seemingly endless repetition at work, the almost mechanical way i go about living each day, accompanied with the opportunity it's provided me to avoid all that has hurt so much, it's like part of a healing process. Each day there are pangs of guilt, resentment, and sometimes even fear. Yet with each day, the pangs are shorter...weaker. As with all things, change was what i needed so that i could move on. So i feel as if i've lost a few friends, it was gut wrenching at first, but now it's just a vague feeling that says "oh well, too bad". As for band.. well 4 years worth of community service...time to be a little more material. Hard to break old ties but, necessary. I say this now but i do not rule of the possibility that i shall return to in future. Things like these are perhaps done violently and with a significant amount of pain that's last for a brief moment. Like pulling a plaster off your skin. Perhaps for the sake of everyone i should become a recluse every now and then, to spare people the stress of dealing with my volatile moods.
The seemingly endless repetition at work, the almost mechanical way i go about living each day, accompanied with the opportunity it's provided me to avoid all that has hurt so much, it's like part of a healing process. Each day there are pangs of guilt, resentment, and sometimes even fear. Yet with each day, the pangs are shorter...weaker. As with all things, change was what i needed so that i could move on. So i feel as if i've lost a few friends, it was gut wrenching at first, but now it's just a vague feeling that says "oh well, too bad". As for band.. well 4 years worth of community service...time to be a little more material. Hard to break old ties but, necessary. I say this now but i do not rule of the possibility that i shall return to in future. Things like these are perhaps done violently and with a significant amount of pain that's last for a brief moment. Like pulling a plaster off your skin. Perhaps for the sake of everyone i should become a recluse every now and then, to spare people the stress of dealing with my volatile moods.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
In the past four weeks, i have gone on a total of 4 night long binge drinking runs, 2 of which ended up in my regurgitating the contents of my stomach in a most uncomfortable manner. It's something i've got to stop. It's bad for the mind and the body and all it turned out to be was a temporary escape. The same way work has been for me in the past week or so, i took the opportunity to get stuck in it as much as possible so that i could avoid thinking about stuff that i don't want to think about. I've avoided going online because people online just invoke vicious cycles of thoughts which leave me feeling glum and depressed. Yesterday night, i pushed my limits...again...at Janice's farewell party. I didn't want to sulk all night, i thought that alcohol my help me along, get me through the night, but while it made my mouth more ready and willing, it didn't change the overriding feeling that i wasn't happy. It is both sad and strange that i feel more lonely in the company of people some of whom i have known for years than i would feel when i am completely alone. One good thing did happen last night. I met somebody who's had to go through the same stuff as me. A person one might call a kindred spirit. Funny how you meet people like this so seemingly out of the blue. Even stranger that it should be Edwin's sister. I spent the entire night talking to her, and realised that we shared some uncanny similarities in nature. Her perceptive abilities had me rather stunned and i just carefully let things out while i absent mindedly killed the flying ants landing all around me. I still don't know her name actually...which is weird because i spent the whole night talking to her... but it's good to know that she exists, that there's actually somebody else like me out there. It's quite impossible to describe how miserable i feel so often, most of the time it stems from a loneliness exceedingly difficult to deal with. In the worst of times i turn to family because in there arms so to speak, i know i can find people who love unconditionally. I am deeply comforted to know that i'm not the only messed up person trying to find his way through life. It's comforting to be recognized for what i am inside and to recognize in somebody else traits that i possess. I shouldn't go on an alcoholic binge again...
Thursday, July 12, 2007
A day at work isn't as tiring as a day in school. I am satisfied though, that i at least have a more steady focus for my energies and i am learning stuff. Doing this for a month shouldn't be so bad at all. It's really quite a sticky situation when you have to talk to these chinese educated contractors regarding companies they've recently set up and whether or not they are sole proprietors or partners. Half the time i sound absolutely ridiculous speaking chinese. My immediate superiors were pretty surprised by my efficiency today. By the end of the day, i'd exhausted them of tasks to give me so i spent the final half hour stoning and watching the clock tick away quite patiently. I hope this becomes a daily thing because i'm just getting the engine revved up. It's thus far been a worthy deviation from the stuff that have plagued me in the last two months.
Peut-etre j'irais a Tampines nager demain
Peut-etre j'irais a Tampines nager demain
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I met Shahid, Pauline and Cherlyn on sunday. We went to the minds cafe at boat quay and played this awesome card game called bang! Which was essentially a complicated version of murderer and detective. I think i would totally go back again, the experience was just really fun. Two hours we sat there playing the game and coming up with sexual connotations regarding the word bang... Then we went for dinner at that open air food court beside the esplanade. From now on, i intend to boycott as much as possible the food courts in town. Not only is the food a load of cow shit, it's priced so ridiculously you could buy a meal at a fast food outlet for the same price. Speaking of fast food outlets, the food at KFC just got smaller while the prices just got higher. If you're going to make me pay through my nose for unhealthy fast food, at least make it taste good. Standards have been dropping! Stale bread and brown lettuce... I miss my poly mates. It's been too long, and as is typical amongst a cliques in school, now that we've all left, the number of people turning up for gatherings has been reduced to something like 4.
I got myself a job! As of tomorrow, i will work for the CPF. Sad thing about it is that i'm being paid peanuts, lunch breaks are not payable and food in tanjong pagar is NOT cheap. I might just invest in sandwich bread, ham and cheese to sustain my body till this job is done. At least one objective is fulfilled, i am moving on with life. Band and all it symbolizes will become a sideshow and i will probably meet new people too.
Ok, the talent for demoralizing people is clearly a genetic trait. Here i am, hoping in the past few days that my wrist is getting better, the pain is less, movement is getting better. Then i speak to my mother and she tells me that it will take longer than its already been to get an injury like this one to heal, and that i shouldn't cycle. Fucking shit. Reality is a bitch. Ah these are dark times. Nothing i can do but to grit my teeth and push through the thicket. Back to brooding.
I got myself a job! As of tomorrow, i will work for the CPF. Sad thing about it is that i'm being paid peanuts, lunch breaks are not payable and food in tanjong pagar is NOT cheap. I might just invest in sandwich bread, ham and cheese to sustain my body till this job is done. At least one objective is fulfilled, i am moving on with life. Band and all it symbolizes will become a sideshow and i will probably meet new people too.
Ok, the talent for demoralizing people is clearly a genetic trait. Here i am, hoping in the past few days that my wrist is getting better, the pain is less, movement is getting better. Then i speak to my mother and she tells me that it will take longer than its already been to get an injury like this one to heal, and that i shouldn't cycle. Fucking shit. Reality is a bitch. Ah these are dark times. Nothing i can do but to grit my teeth and push through the thicket. Back to brooding.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Swimming is really bad for your hair, it makes it stiff and wiry...so get a good shampoo... Interesting revelation: one of my uncles got together started dating his wife when they were in secondary three. Back then, his mother would refer to her as a fox, now they're family. Mix me kinda wish i knew more of these peculiar facts, they make good food for thought.
I finally purchased a new mp3 player. Creative's new Zen Stone Plus. Nice little gadget, appears frighteningly fragile though, and it has a bit of a charging problem. Otherwise, it's sleek, user friendly, and weighs about as much as a feather.
Things are getting a little demoralizing. Used to have a lot more to talk about, just lately it seems as though i'm getting dettached from everything. I don't like long awkward pauses, but they're there in increasing amounts. It's just very disconcerting.
Lately i've found it extremely difficult to express myself on the blog... thoughts are always fragmented, i begin entries and end them prematurely because i never know how to go on. What a mess it's been. Or it could be that i am just really tired from the forty laps i did this afternoon.
The transitional phase between graduation and NS is extremely difficult to cope with. I'm more lost than i have ever been. it's not that i want to be emo, it's just that i seem to be swimming through shit that's chest deep.
I finally purchased a new mp3 player. Creative's new Zen Stone Plus. Nice little gadget, appears frighteningly fragile though, and it has a bit of a charging problem. Otherwise, it's sleek, user friendly, and weighs about as much as a feather.
Things are getting a little demoralizing. Used to have a lot more to talk about, just lately it seems as though i'm getting dettached from everything. I don't like long awkward pauses, but they're there in increasing amounts. It's just very disconcerting.
Lately i've found it extremely difficult to express myself on the blog... thoughts are always fragmented, i begin entries and end them prematurely because i never know how to go on. What a mess it's been. Or it could be that i am just really tired from the forty laps i did this afternoon.
The transitional phase between graduation and NS is extremely difficult to cope with. I'm more lost than i have ever been. it's not that i want to be emo, it's just that i seem to be swimming through shit that's chest deep.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Transformers the movie. Totally awesome shit, i left the theatre grinning like a silly boy.
I have to learn to relax, take things easy a little bit more. Lately i seem to be getting trapped in these viscious thought cycles from which i can find no escape. Every direction i explore seems to lead me back to where i started, a very miserable and shadowy place. I've a feeling if i keep this up for much longer, i will shorten my lifespan by a year or two... Death from excessive thoughts or something. It's really tiring me out, i can take the most trivial and simple things and make them seem to myself at least, ominous signs for the future. It's just horrid. A person my age should be living the high life, prancing about night clubs, getting drunk every 4 days or something. haha. Perhaps that was an exaggeration. Everything just seems so deserving of a frown. Perhaps things would be better if i found an outlet to release tension, perhaps swimming. Wish i had company for swimming though...i think i want to swim weekly. The repetitive monotony of doing as many laps as possible within the span of an hour would be more interesting with somebody to do it with. Unfortunately i think i've managed to make lots of people hate me in the past two months. Bravo Benedict....well done..
I have to learn to relax, take things easy a little bit more. Lately i seem to be getting trapped in these viscious thought cycles from which i can find no escape. Every direction i explore seems to lead me back to where i started, a very miserable and shadowy place. I've a feeling if i keep this up for much longer, i will shorten my lifespan by a year or two... Death from excessive thoughts or something. It's really tiring me out, i can take the most trivial and simple things and make them seem to myself at least, ominous signs for the future. It's just horrid. A person my age should be living the high life, prancing about night clubs, getting drunk every 4 days or something. haha. Perhaps that was an exaggeration. Everything just seems so deserving of a frown. Perhaps things would be better if i found an outlet to release tension, perhaps swimming. Wish i had company for swimming though...i think i want to swim weekly. The repetitive monotony of doing as many laps as possible within the span of an hour would be more interesting with somebody to do it with. Unfortunately i think i've managed to make lots of people hate me in the past two months. Bravo Benedict....well done..
Sunday, July 01, 2007
