Saturday, June 30, 2007
So much to say, yet so much i don't feel like bothering with because all it triggers are regret and pain. It isn't so much the plans that have been made that upset me, in fact, i think i am satisfied with the choices made. What really pains me is how it was all carried out. I think we both feel as if we've been usurped. It would've been respectful or simply courteous to have informed us that plans were being made. Yes the timing is right for a change, both of us have grown and fresh blood is quite necessary for long term continuity, but the changes could have been made with more diplomacy. She of all people deserved to be informed of the intention to make the changes. It doesnt feel like a handover, it feels more like a hostile takeover, not so much hostile but passive aggressive takeover. I can't understand what has justified the way things have been carried out, but i do understand the pain of what feels like betrayal more than anything else. I've given up getting angry, it's just pain and then i deal with it, and then when i recover i brace myself for the next assault. No more aggression, i just want a resolution, closure, and peace of mind. Thoughts of this issue plague me at night, keep me tossing in bed for hours, Bali was a breather, and now i am thrown back into the fray. Our juniors don't understand why our attitudes have changed so much perhaps. They are unable or unwilling to place themselves in our shoes. Having graduated with a diploma, my peers are moving on with life, they either enjoy themselves with thorough abandon or take steps to plan their future ahead. Some have entered tertiary education already, others will begin their national service in the next few days. Some have probably begun working already. I seem to be tied down to things from my past, not at i don't enjoy trying to make a difference in the lives of these youngsters. All of you are still schooling, and have not completed your tertiary education. You still get allowance from your parents and the reality biting fact that the job market is bad hasn't quite hit you yet because essentially you are still a student. With a diploma, i could readily enter the job market at anytime, and then struggle to make ends meet while failing to achieve job satisfaction. Ultimately, this scares the crap out of me. Going back seems to be an escape to a place where the concerns of the real world has limited reach. Indeed the lost of school has thrown my balance off. Norman would say time management, i would say it's more than just time management. I was faced with big choices, i chose to take on a flexible job to give me more time to do this. A big mistake. Priorities were misplaced. I should have found something stable and worked around it, my whole approach was flawed. As a result i suddenly find myself in a limbo of sorts. Seems like i have fluffed my first genuine opportunity to make a decision for myself as an adult. One year ago, i would have been bitter, not anymore.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
It's been so long since i've had the chance to 'pen' my thoughts. Journeying off to Bali was a welcome diversion from the beatings i'd been getting from various areas of life. In that island paradise all worries back home were so far away they barely seemed to have existed at all. The island wasn't perfect, but it was a lovely experience and i think i will return in the distant future. It is hard to structure my thoughts regarding the experience as it was diverse in many ways. On the first night, we touched down in Bali at 9.45pm. My first impression of the airport was filled with slight trepidation at the sight of the monstrous looking stone carvings of hindu demons...or gods welcoming us upon arrival. These hideous creatures of stone often have bulging eyes and ridiculously long canines, making them look like the hybrid offspring of a toad and a walrus. Once i reach the customs, 3 long lines of people start to form waiting for the sluggish indonesian customs officials to stamp their passports in approval of our entry into their country. Ok fine, it's a third world country after all, i guess i shouldn't expect mechanical efficiency. Having concluded all the necessary procedures we went off in search of our driver who was going to take us to the resort. By the time we reached the dark and rather quaint little place, it was already 11.30 at night. Anyhow, i am quickly beginning to bore myself with this description of my first night. Let's fast forward to the stay at this posh resort called Alila Manggis. This is the resort my uncle's new wife chose to drag our lazy asses to all the way from Singapore. Wait, i almost forgot to mention that i've finally smoken tobacco! I think the local term for this cigarette is ang hoon or something along those lines. It started at this spice garden which grew all kinds of strange stuff from vanilla beans to cacao fruits. In their tiny "cafe" with a fairly pleasing view over some lush vegetation. We indulged in hot-cocoa and coffee brewed from their very own home-grown coffee beans and cocao fruits. My grandaunt then took up some dried tobacco leaves and rolled them up in cigarette paper, lit the little cone shaped product and began smoking. This was followed by my other grandaunt and then my grandmother as well. It was a hilarious sight and i could not help but join in the fun as well. It then led to my grandaunt revealing that during the japanese occupation she would sell these cigarettes while indulging in a few sticks herself as well.
Back to the resort, for an expensive and posh place, it was a major let down, service was fairly good, grounds were well maintained, but i guess it was because we had to fork out so much money for each night's stay that we were really expecting much more. You know i've been attempting to log into msn messenger for the past 1 hour to no avail. I swear it's starting to get damned annoying. That was random...back to my story. At the resort, i spent the first night eating this lovely balinese nasi goreng which was really quite different from any nasi goreng i'd tasted in singapore. Balinese rice which is found only on the island because they only make enough to sustain themselves was quite nice, not as firm or slim as the thai rice but it was an interesting change. Dinner was held on a grass patch elevated about three metres above the beach. With the night sky clear and glittering with stars peppered across here and there interrupted by clouds, we dined and drank and made merry as the firm but gentle breeze from the sea blew across us creating a comfortably cool atmosphere that was made all the more wonderful by candles on our tables and balls of light spaced at short intervals suspended from a string directly above our tables. Needless to say the experience was magical...so was the alcohol... I think i like burgundy wine. After chatting and socialising a little, we adjourned to the lobby where a small bar had been set up and i started to consume more alcohol. By the time i was done, i was so woozy that i just staggered back to my room while my eyes focused and blurred intermittently. I changed into my night clothes clumsily and fell asleep sprawled across my queen sized bed. The next morning, i woke up feeling a bit dulled and made for the restaurant for breakfast like a zombie. This is a saturday morning by the way, and i decided to spend it at ease splashing in the pool with my cousins, who range from 3 years old to 16 years old. That was ultimately rather fun, i played monkey for a while, something we used to do at sevenbells, the family's former hang out during the holidays. Finally we got to the wedding, which was held by the sea and along side a few coconut trees. The indonesian priest confused us a little, his damned accent not helping things along. Having gotten through with the formalities, the beaming new coupled made their way off along the path created with balsam flowers strewn across the grass. This was followed by a long flurry of phototaking and boozing. We drank something called bellinis. This is champagne mixed with some mashed up peach and a peach slice. Very nice, and then as i carried out my videoman duties with distinct discomfort all this while consuming mohitos, bintang beer and bellinis, the night started to get a little bit merrier. Especially since it was getting dark and i couldn't really catch anything on tape that wasn't fuzzy looking and pixelated. They then started lining the pool inwhich i had been frolicking about 5 hours earlier with these lovely candles cradled in floating platforms to form a lovely sight. Then the balinese musicians began to play and i began to gorge myself on prawn crackers and more alcohol. Then food came and i gorged myself still somemore, this time with wine, mohitos, chicken, satay, rice and all everything~ Finally, i had to return to my video man duties recording conversations here and there. Finally they threw my uncle into the pool~ I hope my wedding has a poolside, that was fun to watch... After all that was done we headed to the lounge chairs placed by the seaside and nearly everyone drank themselves silly. I got drunk...i vomitted...i think it was because i downed a double shot vodka and sprite in about two minutes. Anyhow, that eventually resulted in a slight hangover the next day. Not really a hangover...just a bad stomach because i didn't have a splitting headache. That pretty much ends my account of the wedding...a very brief account because i could've written lots more. I think i don't like my sister as a travel companion or a companion in anyway at all. She irritates the shit out of me. Which reminds me that i really want to go back to Bali, but with friends and not with old people and irritating siblings. Everything would have been much nicer if i hadn't come home to find my computer busted... so i'm using my father's laptop.
Back to the resort, for an expensive and posh place, it was a major let down, service was fairly good, grounds were well maintained, but i guess it was because we had to fork out so much money for each night's stay that we were really expecting much more. You know i've been attempting to log into msn messenger for the past 1 hour to no avail. I swear it's starting to get damned annoying. That was random...back to my story. At the resort, i spent the first night eating this lovely balinese nasi goreng which was really quite different from any nasi goreng i'd tasted in singapore. Balinese rice which is found only on the island because they only make enough to sustain themselves was quite nice, not as firm or slim as the thai rice but it was an interesting change. Dinner was held on a grass patch elevated about three metres above the beach. With the night sky clear and glittering with stars peppered across here and there interrupted by clouds, we dined and drank and made merry as the firm but gentle breeze from the sea blew across us creating a comfortably cool atmosphere that was made all the more wonderful by candles on our tables and balls of light spaced at short intervals suspended from a string directly above our tables. Needless to say the experience was magical...so was the alcohol... I think i like burgundy wine. After chatting and socialising a little, we adjourned to the lobby where a small bar had been set up and i started to consume more alcohol. By the time i was done, i was so woozy that i just staggered back to my room while my eyes focused and blurred intermittently. I changed into my night clothes clumsily and fell asleep sprawled across my queen sized bed. The next morning, i woke up feeling a bit dulled and made for the restaurant for breakfast like a zombie. This is a saturday morning by the way, and i decided to spend it at ease splashing in the pool with my cousins, who range from 3 years old to 16 years old. That was ultimately rather fun, i played monkey for a while, something we used to do at sevenbells, the family's former hang out during the holidays. Finally we got to the wedding, which was held by the sea and along side a few coconut trees. The indonesian priest confused us a little, his damned accent not helping things along. Having gotten through with the formalities, the beaming new coupled made their way off along the path created with balsam flowers strewn across the grass. This was followed by a long flurry of phototaking and boozing. We drank something called bellinis. This is champagne mixed with some mashed up peach and a peach slice. Very nice, and then as i carried out my videoman duties with distinct discomfort all this while consuming mohitos, bintang beer and bellinis, the night started to get a little bit merrier. Especially since it was getting dark and i couldn't really catch anything on tape that wasn't fuzzy looking and pixelated. They then started lining the pool inwhich i had been frolicking about 5 hours earlier with these lovely candles cradled in floating platforms to form a lovely sight. Then the balinese musicians began to play and i began to gorge myself on prawn crackers and more alcohol. Then food came and i gorged myself still somemore, this time with wine, mohitos, chicken, satay, rice and all everything~ Finally, i had to return to my video man duties recording conversations here and there. Finally they threw my uncle into the pool~ I hope my wedding has a poolside, that was fun to watch... After all that was done we headed to the lounge chairs placed by the seaside and nearly everyone drank themselves silly. I got drunk...i vomitted...i think it was because i downed a double shot vodka and sprite in about two minutes. Anyhow, that eventually resulted in a slight hangover the next day. Not really a hangover...just a bad stomach because i didn't have a splitting headache. That pretty much ends my account of the wedding...a very brief account because i could've written lots more. I think i don't like my sister as a travel companion or a companion in anyway at all. She irritates the shit out of me. Which reminds me that i really want to go back to Bali, but with friends and not with old people and irritating siblings. Everything would have been much nicer if i hadn't come home to find my computer busted... so i'm using my father's laptop.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
You can tell a person is stressed when he suddenly switches from listening to acoustic alchemy and miles davis to screaming fuck along with the tunes of limp bizkit. Desperation drove me to seek haven in the sanctity of church. Boy does god have a way of making his presence felt... Starting with the prayer of the faithful. One of the prayers went along the lines of, we pray for all the outcasts of society, that they may find joy and acceptance in the reality that is god's love. I no i don't exactly qualify as one, but i sure have been feeling like one recently. Then the communion song was amazing grace...If that wasn't enough, the final hymn was Father I have sinned (Prodigal Son). That's either some crazy coincidental shit...or it's god telling me that although i've been a shit head, he's still there. Damn i am just weary.
I met Hunter today, the newest Aussie addition to my ever expanding family. Strangely, i believe i am beginning to like babies. Now Hunter is this monster of a lad, 7 months old and roughly 11kg. Not only is he three times the size of his younger cousin Jillian...he looks like he could squash her with one foot. He's such an adorable lad though, with his HUGE eyes and lovely soft brown hair and a sweet smile accompanied with a single dimple on his right cheek. A very interesting complement to Jillian who is just brilliant herself. I think i like her because she smiles at me... I've grown soft.
I've finally begun doing some serious research for a place to go further my studies after NS is done. I know it's a long way off, but it's good to have some sort of plan. Two universities on my list are Melbourne and Queensland. Now to become a vet, i'm not getting anywhere with a fucking diploma...so based on advice from an IDP officer, i'm going to get a basic degree first, then do graduate entry into Vet Science. Assuming i have money this would be the most realistic route. Otherwise, perhaps my interests will change, and from a bachelor of biology, marine science or zoology. I might decide to continue till i reach the level of masters. But i'm really still very keen on veterinary.
I met Hunter today, the newest Aussie addition to my ever expanding family. Strangely, i believe i am beginning to like babies. Now Hunter is this monster of a lad, 7 months old and roughly 11kg. Not only is he three times the size of his younger cousin Jillian...he looks like he could squash her with one foot. He's such an adorable lad though, with his HUGE eyes and lovely soft brown hair and a sweet smile accompanied with a single dimple on his right cheek. A very interesting complement to Jillian who is just brilliant herself. I think i like her because she smiles at me... I've grown soft.
I've finally begun doing some serious research for a place to go further my studies after NS is done. I know it's a long way off, but it's good to have some sort of plan. Two universities on my list are Melbourne and Queensland. Now to become a vet, i'm not getting anywhere with a fucking diploma...so based on advice from an IDP officer, i'm going to get a basic degree first, then do graduate entry into Vet Science. Assuming i have money this would be the most realistic route. Otherwise, perhaps my interests will change, and from a bachelor of biology, marine science or zoology. I might decide to continue till i reach the level of masters. But i'm really still very keen on veterinary.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Crippled. Why the use of a term that would conjure images of a a legless man in a wheelchair in association with a young and almost fully mobile young man. Certainly the term crippled would be overstating the consequences of a broken bone the size of a peanut. Indeed to say that I am disabled would be a little overdoing it too. Then one must conclude that either my use of the word is flawed or its application is not directed upon my physical state of being. Yes, it is my morale that is legless and my spirit that is crippled. Skinned both my knees today. Sometimes i feel as if tears are about to well up...but nothing comes. I don't cry anymore. Crying used to relieve tension...i don't possess that outlet any longer. Drinking numbs it...temporary escape. Stupid to get worked up over a broken peanut sized bone, stupid to allow stress from different ares in life snowball into a massive hulking demon. Stupid. I broke my hand on good friday. I stand here staring across a barren land stretching along the horizon. Everywhere i turn i see desolation. Would be nice to see some cactus now and then. I've been selfish lately.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
I know Eric is spastic...literally...but he just grates into my nerves like nails scratching across a chalk board. Today i told him to shut up after he accused me of sending a meal to the wrong place. Oh there are just so many things i would like to do to make him suffer. Then again, he is spastic...and perhaps being not spastic, i should be understanding. Unfortunately...imitating him and getting him angry sort of amuse me. It's just been another frustrating day. I've had so much on my mind...well perhaps it isn't a lot, but when more than two things keep playing over and over again in my head, it begins to appear like a huge load to deal with. I was so distracted that when i bumped into Joanna's boyfriend i couldn't recognize him at all. To make things worse..when he asked what my sister was doing now..i said TPJC twice!! Fuckin' hell! When did i become such a ditz... It took me a while to collect my thoughts and give a slightly more coherent answer regarding her SIM placing.
I've fury which needs unleashing.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I stupidly gave up a job at the birdpark for this stupid shit. What a damned fool i've been, to arrange my priorities in such a way that i've managed to ultimately do myself in. I've been an idiot in choosing this path, a complete and utter idiot. I'm hurt, perhaps i'm being a little oversensitive, but, it stings nonetheless. Furthermore, the trust rating has dipped even further. 4/10 would be about right. I don't normally admit my own foolishness, one of the faults of having a high ego, but this here is an exception. I need an outlet to bash something, the saddest thing must be that i can't bash anything because my right hand is "crippled" so to speak. I give up. I don't suppose it is even worth squat getting angry over. Fat load of good it's going to do anyway.
From fury and outrage to resignation, now it's just a tinge of sadness, most extreme emotions comfortingly drowned out by my bottle of hoegaarden and the cranberries playing on MediaPlayer. Random thoughts just dart across the weary expanse of my mind. I saw Jingyan today, while i was at bugis, i wish i had had the time to stop by at starbucks to say Hi. Next time i guess...assuming i do go out again in the near future. I've been lucky so far this month, having managed to catch a movie already and go out with friends twice.
Ooo..agitation...momentary i hope....*sigh*
Apistogramma cacatuoides I just got a pair of these pretty little dwarf cichlids. Strange timing considering i know full well that i am about to enter a phase in life with limited freedom and time for the care and raising of two lives...regardless of how small and seemingly insignificant they might appear to be.
Tammy, the manager from work says irregardless...funny that...i constantly withold the urge to correct her.
My mother just told me that taking calcium tablets may help the bones mend. She said that she had spoken to doctors. This tells me a few things...The fact that the progress has been so slow is unexpected and that even the doctors did not expect this. I'm demoralized once again. What a rollercoaster ride this day has been. I'm tired.
From fury and outrage to resignation, now it's just a tinge of sadness, most extreme emotions comfortingly drowned out by my bottle of hoegaarden and the cranberries playing on MediaPlayer. Random thoughts just dart across the weary expanse of my mind. I saw Jingyan today, while i was at bugis, i wish i had had the time to stop by at starbucks to say Hi. Next time i guess...assuming i do go out again in the near future. I've been lucky so far this month, having managed to catch a movie already and go out with friends twice.
Ooo..agitation...momentary i hope....*sigh*
Apistogramma cacatuoides I just got a pair of these pretty little dwarf cichlids. Strange timing considering i know full well that i am about to enter a phase in life with limited freedom and time for the care and raising of two lives...regardless of how small and seemingly insignificant they might appear to be.
Tammy, the manager from work says irregardless...funny that...i constantly withold the urge to correct her.
My mother just told me that taking calcium tablets may help the bones mend. She said that she had spoken to doctors. This tells me a few things...The fact that the progress has been so slow is unexpected and that even the doctors did not expect this. I'm demoralized once again. What a rollercoaster ride this day has been. I'm tired.
It has worn me thin for the rest of this night, it works like a poison, coursing through my veins. The effects of this poison are spirit damaging, but my response to it will be as it has been for every other morale dampening experience i've had the misfortune to encounter. I shall steel myself to absorb the impact of it and bounce back from the darkness and fog with even more ferocity. In the mean time...before the actual bouncing back occurs, i shall indulge in some much desired alcohol.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
I could not help beginning this entry with a sigh. The trip to the doctor's yesterday evidently did not go as well as the doctor, my mother or I myself for that matter had hoped. After 6 weeks since the operation, the bone has not healed, progress has come at a snail's pace. A minute amount of growth was shown on the left edge of the fracture, but the inside is a fairly big gap that still has not been plugged. It is very disconcerting, i don't know what it would take to seal that fracture. Given all my aspirations to become a naval diver...this news is most unwelcome, and i was left wallowing in despair for the better part of the day as i trudged around town shopping for clothes and shoes. That means my face was a picture of misery for almost 8 hours. One possible way to increase the speed of healing is to take calcium supplements. This i will do, at the risk of getting kidney stones or gall stones if i overdose on the supplements... Another thing i might try is the use of magnetic therapy, wrapping a bracelet of magnets around my wrist in hopes that it will polarize my blood cells and aid healing and circulation and what not. It's got little strong scientific evidence backing it i think...but i'm quite willing to try anything at this point. It's so difficult to remain optimistic about it. I am determined to recover, but everything is so discouraging... I feel like loosing a wail into the cool night air.
I think my family rocks, last night at dinner, this indian family sitting next to us were celebrating a some kid's birthday. They didn't want to be obtrusive and sang happy birthday in such a shy subdued manner... Being myself..i couldn't help but comment that it was so soft, so everyone at our table started singing happy birthday for the kid. It was such a warm gesture, the indian family was touched and offered us cake later. Dinner was good and i shared this lovely apple pie and chocolate fondant with my cousin...i've got a soft spot for nice desserts.
I'm disgruntled..it's been a rollercoaster ride of a weekend.
I think my family rocks, last night at dinner, this indian family sitting next to us were celebrating a some kid's birthday. They didn't want to be obtrusive and sang happy birthday in such a shy subdued manner... Being myself..i couldn't help but comment that it was so soft, so everyone at our table started singing happy birthday for the kid. It was such a warm gesture, the indian family was touched and offered us cake later. Dinner was good and i shared this lovely apple pie and chocolate fondant with my cousin...i've got a soft spot for nice desserts.
I'm disgruntled..it's been a rollercoaster ride of a weekend.