Now I am not normally one to whine about feeling lonely and damn..i don't really know how to go about doing it. I can't come up with another word to describe loneliness, which must be quite apt, as it would be weird if "lonely" had many synonyms anyway. To put things into a little bit of perspective. Something like 2 weeks ago, i went cycling, alone..., around places like tampines and bedok, stopping at fish shops i knew to be along the route. So i probably ended up stopping more than ten times just to stroll into a shop and inspect their goods. Yesterday i spent loitering around Parkway, looking to see if any interesting outlets had job vacancies. I suppose this is something one does alone anyway, but it would have been more fun if i had had a companion. The only thing that cheered me up was eating a muffin at Baker's Well, that little place at Katong. They called it a healthy muffin, no butter less sugar apparently. Tasted nice enough though, very homemade texture to it which i like, even if i do prefer the richness that the use of butter would provide so effectively. Where was I now...something about loneliness right? Well anyway, i seem to be doing so many things on my own, indepedence to a small extent yes, at least i don't have to rely on other people to find entertainment and i can survive and remain fairly content on my own. Today i went to fill up a form at Kelly Services, so that they could help me look for a part time job. Moral support would have been nice.
Oh to put it as plainly as i can. It's all these little things that i do, like going out to grab a new book, or just getting out of the house to avoid the oppressive feeling of staying at home and sinking into a routine of computer-tv-food, sometimes, i just find that sometimes, i would prefer having the company of a friend around to ease the boredom. Imagine going out and having only your own thoughts to converse with. That's alright occasionally, a bit of reflection time, but i can't have it that way all the bloody time. Yet, the thought of having to ask a friend out to do these little things...the prospect of having someone around, it seems such hassle. Immediately my movement is restricted by having to consider what my companion might want to do. I am a certified geek/nerd type creature, a diploma in Biotechnology says it all really. I would not expect others to feel content doing the things i am quite happy doing on my own. Yeah..my head is a bit jumbled up, i am certain that nothing above made much sense at all.
Anyway~! I went to eat a buffet at this place called Sakura. I regreted it a little. Crap food, crap atmosphere-low ceiling, lots of voices and noises travelling with ease resulting in a cacophany of loud murmuring, did i also mention that the damned floor was constantly sticky and oily, the service was bad too- didn't not clear the god damned plates often enough, and to finally to complete the horrid experience, the food was halal. No pork... Nothing against halal food, but i am quickly getting the impression that when a restaurant is a halal one and it serves non-muslim food, the restaurant is automatically given the opportunity to compromise its standards, poorer food quality and stuff. At the same time, they're charging exorbitant rates because the muslims don't have the most magnificent choices of food to eat sometimes so they've just got to accept whatever it is comes their way right. Money wasted~
The chalet has come, the chalet has gone and now i'm happily burnt to a crisp. Merely wearing a t-shirt is a painful affair. How about that. I had tremendous fun on the whole though. I let myself loose, and for a whole weekend, i did not give a rat's ass about the outside world. At times i got up and danced, Sameer's spontaneity was crucial, often he allowed himself to express himself freely without restraint. It reminded me that i was in the company of friends in front of whom i could reveal my inner child, the more innocent and fun loving side without fear of feeling shame or embarrassment. This happened to the extent that more often than not, my behaviour was just plain silly..in a good way of course, nothing harmful. I think i have sufficiently fulfilled all that i have wanted to do during the break and can whole heartedly look for a part time job to kill my time.
I am going to make a very feeble attempt at describing the way i currently feel physically. I'm currently sitting slouched on my black leather computer chair, with my legs rested on the computer table. My head is basically in a spinning in a damned vortex and while i am seated, i feel as if i am literally blood floating in the air, levitating above my chair. Then there is that irritating numbness in my right ear which is partially caused by water getting in my ears and my attempts at removing the water.
Now i find myself back on my ass, but feeling a strange dettachment towards everything i have learnt. A feeling that could be interpreted as"i knew they couldn't be trusted" and then in the back of my mind, a small voice tells me that i should expect more problems from all areas in the future. By the end of this year, everything will be drastically different. My theory on change comes into play here. Things were smooth for so long, and now it's time for a change because i'm mentally ready for progress into the next phase of life. It saddens me to know that i will lose a lot of things by the time i am 21. Relationships with many of my friends will be altered in life changing ways i expect. I pray that what i gain in the process will more than make up for it.
For now, i am at least enlightened and my feet are back on the road. No more spinning about in the air for me.
Have you ever considered your future, and then felt a dull panic begin to rise up from within your gut that said with utter certainty and sureness that this really isn't going to be a lovely cruise down a straight road on a sunny day with the wind blowing in your face. No..the only thing that is going to blow in my face is the fart of an elephant. I'm worried sick about my future. I don't believe my parents are going to pay for it. I mean, every talk i have had with them involves my mother saying that i should work for a company for a while and expect them to give me a scholarship. Fine and dandy...but who's going to give me a scholarship to study veterinary!? Have they perhaps forgotten what i want to do. I have no idea how i am supposed to go about pursuing my dreams. My mother keeps emphasizing on salary, how she works and they pay for the bills and the house and everything. How there's nothing saved up for my education. It's fucking annoying how they're not being open about whether there is any money to put me through uni in a foreign country. I'm going nuts about it. I need some reassurance, solid facts that tell me that everything can be alright, i don't want to know if they will be alright, i just want to know if there is a possibility things might work out the way i want them to. Certainly i don't expect it to be easy, i don't dream of having things falling into place with ease. If you're not going to pay for it, then put it plainly to me and i will work it out on my own. If you can't afford to do it, put it plainly for me to see that i have to work or sign on even. But for heavens sake do not leave me guessing and clutching at air. If this is some fucked up cheeky test to see if i'm worthy, Damn it, it sure is something i would pull off on my own kid...then i suppose i have to convince you that i am ready to work hard and not take any of it for granted if you decided to help finance my university studies. I don't know what to do!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!
Raja did not call, so i am pretty darn certain that i didn't get the birdpark job. *pops the champagne to celebrate yet another failure" On the bright side, i may not be getting any richer, but i will get to attend the ROCKIN' chalet we're gonna fucking have!! WOOOOOO. And i will get to go for band, yay...i think... I should maybe brush up on french and seriously go down to ubi and do something to start basic driving theory.. Acoustic alchemy rocks man, you could listen to it for hours, it just goes down so easily. Thank you Timothy for shining some light upon them for me. I particularly like the R&B sounds of their Say Yeah song. This afternoon i had so much to write about, but now i seem to have reached a weird mental block. Oh fuck it all, i really like to drink a beer right now, but i think i have had enough to drink for one week. I've not had a lot mind you, but its a discipline thing.
I've been wondering if i should really keep going for band and all. It could be this huge something that's holding me back from development in many ways. Undoubtedly it has contributed to my development in many ways as well, but... i can't help but worry that the real reason why i keep going back is my inability to detach myself from a past that i should possibly have left behind long ago. I don't know anyone else who goes back to help their secondary school CCA on such a regular basis, besides Sameer going back for NPCC. So here i am alone wondering if what i am doing is pure folly on my part. I'm willing to embrace national service at this point, just to see the changes it will contribute to my growth. I have this strange faith that if anything is going to make me ready to date or make me mature enough to go out into the world it would be this, NS. I feel as if i am a twenty year old BOY..not a young man but a BOY. It feels as if i have been waiting for such a long time for a drastic change to occur. Poly wasn't too drastic a change, nothing intensely life changing about it. Not the kind of Tsunami effect i'm expecting. So Tsunami or eruption of Mt Vesuvius, whatever life changing event awaits. FUCKING COME I CALL FOR YOU!
I think i'm satisfied with my results. I didn't do poorly. Certainly the results from this semester are a vast improvement from many of the previous semesters. Didn't get a single C. Yet i did not get an A either. I swear that if i had just one more semester I would get an A. I managed to scrape a Gold out of the NAPFA test as well. Now that was a pleasent surprise because 3 months ago, i wasn't able to do a single pull up, legal or illegal. I've applied for a bird handler job at the birdpark. I am this close to not wanting the job because it would eat up my weekends, and i find myself a crossroads. Just before NS, i should perhaps be living the high life, a simple flexible job might be more ideal. At the same time, i also want to do something that is relevant to my interests and would help me pick a career in the future, and this birdpark thing would be highly relevant in many ways. The biggest drawback would however be the fact that i am still so firmly attached to my current lifestyle. The thought of being torn away from going to band and meeting my mates as and when i please has stirred up a whirlpool of conflicting emotions within. I keep thinking that at the age of twenty, it might be time to do the adult thing and move on to explore the many options that lie before. Just as Janice has missed band for the past 4 months or so. On the other hand, it would break my heart to say good bye to it, just as things are starting to get exciting. I finally met the new secondary ones, and i found myself able to work with them with an appalling ease i never had previously. Oh here's a random thought: I get a free crumpler pouch for getting a Gold. What the hell am i supposed to do with a free crumpler pouch? I think i will go collect it next week...at the same time i'll have to go get those damned result slips i have lost printed.
Just the other day, a fleeting thought wandered across my mind. What am i supposed use as my homepage now? It's been the SP webpage for the past three years. Now that i'm a graduate...and waiting for NS....maybe i should make the NS portal the homepage. God forbid!! That's an awful idea.
One year ago, on this day, i was in Rockhampton, coming to terms with being an intern. Fast forward one year and i'm a polytechnic graduate. If the birdpark thing does not work out tomorrow, if that Raja guy who was so passionate about his job as i am passionate about the band, does not call me, i shall look for a lame ass part time job simply to kill time and ensure that i do not go broke before NS.
I made my first baked pasta for lunch. I basically just mixed some macaroni and leftover spaghetti sauce in a dish, topped it with shredded mozzarella and baked it for about half an hour. The things one can do with stuff you dig up from the fridge. It was quite pleasing. I think now that there isn't any school and i'm not really working, i'd like to tinker around the kitchen to cook my own meals a little bit more. Seems the logical thing to do to pass time. Also increases the sense of satisfaction gained while eating.
My cousins are going to lose their house in a few days if what my mother says is correct. I think i'm supposed to go over and help them move out their valuable items. This is bad... very bad. Damned lawsuit. Our lives are irreversibly changed now, chinese new years, christmases and new years will be greatly affected. It feels rather awful. Very awful actually. Their house is one that holds special memories for me, and now it's going to be taken away.
Yesterday's football was absolutely magnificent. I never had so much faith in my teams ability to play as a unit till yesterday. We played fast paced direct passing, quick counter attacking, a very english style of football. Sameer and i think we have a style that is similar to Manchester United's. BUT many levels lower of course.
Then there was dinner with Chen Pei and Farzana. That was lovely. We ate at Country Manna, after walking around looking for a buffet but not managing to find one that suited our tastes. It'd had been several years since i had eaten at that restaurant. For some reason, i felt that the portions were too small for me when previously...i guess it was because i was primary school then...i felt that they were massive portions. Then we had dessert at Bakerzin. I was more than satisfied with that, it was a positively heavenly experience. Now, i wait for the birdpark to accept my job application... i need work.
