¶ Thursday, February 22, 2007

  I completed the assessment for the NDU today. Sheesh, first time having anything to do with the divers and already i'm tired. How the hell am i supposed to cope if i get in and actually start training. Gosh it's scary. I now find myself struggling between two desires. One is a desire to be over and done with NS as soon as i possibly can, but the next NDU intake is in bloody august!!! On the other hand, i would really like to be a diver. So where does that leave me. I'm torn between the two. Well it's not as if i have a choice as it's really not up to me right now.Oh balls...after that long essay on change, i find myself facing an inner struggle to cope with the latest change i am about to face. Life can be such a bitch.  ¶ Monday, February 12, 2007

  Lots of things do happen in a year. At this point last year, i was preparing for my exams and getting ready for an overseas attachment in Australia. 12 months later, i've graduated from Singapore Polytechnic. And besides the more obvious change in my status as a student, my nature has i think improved as well as a result of getting closer to some people and resulting in my getting closer to some people as well. It's made my final year in school really quite interesting. Oh balls...i do dislike changes occuring when things seem to start going fine and dandy. Maybe that's why changes occur sometimes. When a fine balance has finally been achieved, it must be a signal to the powers that be that this phase in life has reached its end-point so it's prime time to move on to the next phase, because the subject has now the mental stability and readiness to take on fresh challenges. If the change does not occur, it means that the subject is still unprepared for the next big change and that he/she requires more time in the journey and has not reached the optimum point. The band was doing wonderfully well before they had to split, the split came at what must have been late log phase...or in non-scientific terms, the point where they were reaching their peak. Somehow, it was deemed suitable at that point of strength for the two to take different routes, because both schools had garnered sufficient experience to move on to something new having learnt many lessons along the way. Kenrick had to move on to the army when his career as an instructor and project organiser was really starting to bloom. I'd finally really settled into school and now i'm out of school. Change often seems to occur when things are going very well. As it interrupts and throws the established order into disarray, it is often frowned upon and viewed as a very major inconvenience. It is only because it throws you out of your established comfort zone that you may view it as adverse. We are always told to step out of our comfort zones, and change is so inevitable, it literally pushes you stumbling out of your comfort zone. It keeps things interesting though, and is the reason for the diversity of experiences you gather throughout your life. Just when thinks start to reach a smooth point, change jumps in to prevent things from getting monotonous and dull. One should expect change to occur most often when things are getting comfortable and one becomes fooled into believe that change will not suddenly fall right into one's path. Simply to prove that this could be true, i cite the Ping Yi band as an example. The split from Springfield was at first viewed by many as a major pitfall, especially when things were starting to seem almost perfect. This simply meant that the band was ready to make it on its own, so change steps in, and while the initial adjustment period wasn't easy. The "lag phase" in a sigmoid growth curve. The band has responded well and is now in the early parts of the "log phase". Springfield on the other hand has been taking a bit longer to get past the lag phase...  ¶ Sunday, February 11, 2007

  The band went to the SCH today to practice for about an hour and get a general feel of the place. The session was essentially a huge success. They performed very well and showed flexibility and confidence in coping with the new environment. The best part of it all was that Miss Sia blew in like a hurricane and made these changes to the interpretation of the music which worked well. She quite clearly thoroughly enjoyed herself conducting Ping Yi again. We are after all her very first band, so there remains within her a very strong sentimental attachment to the band. And they sure did not disappoint her today. It almost seemed as if she'd never left. Just like old times... The biggest problem with finishing school seems to be, "What do i do now?" I should probably get a job, buti don't know when i will be called up to serve the country. So i am in a state of limbo once again. The uncertainty of what the future holds prevents me from actively looking for a job. I can't afford to go overseas like i had initially hoped to do. Go tour Europe was my plan. But i can't even bring myself to ask my parents for money to go to some place as nearby as Thailand. It would be irresponsible and spoilt of me to do so. I have after all completed my education in poly. I should be a little more indepedent i think. Another thing that has forced its way into my thick skull within the short time that has passed since my final exam is of course the girlfriend issue. Or lack of it. Since i don't have one, i couldn't possibly have girlfriend issues. It's a little perplexing to realise that at the age of 19 going on 20, i have never had a girlfriend. I hope i am one of those who start late, you know, like only getting a an actual girlfriend only when they finally reach their twenties. I don't know how to go about getting one, and frankly, time is running short because NS looms ahead. Maybe NS will be the turning point, the pivotal event in my life that will make me ready look for one or rather, give me the balls to actually go out and get one. I always had the impression that these things usually start with a friendship, and then later on in the relationship, both parties come upon the realisation that they do have a thing for each other. Of course, i am aware that it is certainly not by any means limited to occuring in that manner. I can't imagine myself dating any of my female friends, it would be kinda awkward... A worse alternative would be going on a blind date through a match making agency or website. But i think those things are reserved as more drastic measures for people who are at the marrying age. I should be patient and maybe be a little more optmistic - hopefully i have reason to be optimistic...- While the first digit of my age is changing, and i am about to enter the third decade of my existence, i guess i am still young. Lots of things happen in a year and it will be another 8 years or so before it's finally time to settle down.  ¶ Sunday, February 11, 2007

  Geez, i only realised how much i had in common with farzana today... we both can't open up or express our feelings to those we thing we can't quite trust and..well, there are more things than just that, but i am tipsy and unwilling to elaborate. I am quite worried about how having to go to NS will affect a good friendship. Things will inevitably change, and i must accept the fac fact that as we all grow up, things cannot remain the same, but i do wish that i could somehow just prolong the way things are going for now and make things seem a little easier to cope with.
Anyway, i attended my uncle's wedding tonight. He held it at Sentosa, where he met his bride. When you consider the fact that they met at that very same resort through work, i guess it is a fitting place to hold a wedding. As they were about the stand up and kiss each other following the solemnization of the wedding, a pair of medium sized white birds flew into the vicinity, and boy was the sight a romantic one. The sun was setting on the horizion, colouring the sky in gold and red, and my relatives all looking on lovingly and in strong approval. My cousins and i could not agree more that the timing of it was really quite perfect. I do like weddings, i guess becoming twenty this year has made me quite soft. I've begun to wonder if i will ever experience what they're gone through or anything of the like. I do want to get married. Shit. I think that must make me sound very girly. Well it was lovely, attending the wedding, i do love weddings. Especially since i get to pump myself with loads of alcohol, and my behaviour becomes more uninhibited by the need to behave properly. My uncle mentioned that he hoped to be around to solemnize my wedding... i hope so too. But the way it is currently going, i'm worried i couldnt get a date let alone a girlfriend. I've never had problems relating to women, i'm not awkward in front of them, yet... all the time, it would seem as though i'm better at making friends with them rather than developing a relationship with them. This can't be a good. I'll just be patient i think, and believe that somehow, out there, there is someone who can tolerate my shit and would be willing to spend a lifetime with me. My polytechnic education just finished on friday. It was a magnificent feeling, completing the plant biotech paper, and leaving the examination room earlier than everyon else. It signified the end of my current lifestyle, one which i had gotten fairly used to. How does one return to a place while they feel abosolutely unwelcomne.  ¶ Sunday, February 11, 2007

  3 down 1 to go, 3 down 1 to go, 3 down 1 to go, 3 down 1 to go...
I have to repeat this in my head several times a day, to remind myself that this madness is going to end in a mere matter of days, and that it is not as far off as i think it is. Yet, each time i rings in my head, a small voice from the dark recesses of my mind, muffled out by all the facts about embryogenesis and micropropagation, speaks out and says that i in spite of myself, i am actually going to miss the madness. Regardless of how taxing it can get at times, this madness which is school and many things that come along with it has a few redeeming qualitites. Certain lessons i will miss, simply because the atmosphere was fun. Chilling in the library during breaks and talking nonsense, that i will miss. Strange and really extremely quirky coursemates...i MAY miss on occasion. Trips home i will miss, well good things never last do they? I'm tired right now though, and my brain is quite a jumbled mess of random plant facts hurtling about amid a backdrop of nostalgic thoughts. My miniature roses are growing extremely well though! Not that it matters though, even if Valentine's Day is coming up. They're not quite at the flowering age even if i did have through some odd miracle, somebody to give 'em to. For some strange reason, i very daftly interpreted the name of the Miles Davis song "Just Squeeze Me" as literally squashing something with your fist. I only now while i listen to it, i have realised that it really means "just hug me tight and hold me in your arms" rather than...just asphyxiate me... i don't know how i messed that up...I think it has something to do with my not giving or getting a great many hugs. Listening to Miles Davis makes me wish i had a glass of wine in front of me.  ¶ Wednesday, February 07, 2007