A quick look at my academic calendar and semestral quiz schedule revealed that i only have another 4 and a half weeks of school proper left before i graduate. This is excluding a three week "assignment-break", 1 study week and 2 exam weeks. The end is within touching distance. This is where it becomes kinda scary. Yet another major change to deal with in the not so distant future. The end of the month is here, and so we enter the festive season. A brief mental review of the happenings within the past month has startled. It has been rather like whirlwind. Time has been measured in terms of when the report is due and when the presentation is supposed to be rather than in terms of weeks and months. I've had nasty mood swings all month long, even forced attempts at controlling myself have resulted in very little at all. The fact that i have not made a direct attempt at hurting your feelings would mean that i am actually controlling my urge to insult you for no good reason at all. At least i have been getting normal sleeping hours for a change. A long time back, i wondered how i was going to settle into SP, i didn't quite get my coursemates. Didn't quite like them. Now, i've found my own little spot in the big picture of things. I've finally settled. It took 5 semesters to accomplish this. I don't suppose any aspect of my life will ever be balanced. Perhaps they already are though... you can't have everything go smoothly at once, that wouldn't be balanced, so i guess if bad things and good things happen simultaneously, it's a sign of balance.
I found out this morning that the rose plantlets died. It really depressed me a little. I was hoping so hard that they would survive and i would be able to bring them home, have my very own miniature rose plant. I guess i can't expect returns without putting in extra effort. I mean, i did not take time to monitor their progress. I am tempted to skip the springfield performance tomorrow. My cousin's husband and their daughter are getting baptized tomorrow, and that means i will be spending lots of time outside of the house. Not such a good idea especially when two tests loom ahead in the coming week. Maybe i should kill myself by over-drinking alcohol tonight, so i won't have to make decisions for tomorrow. It's just another two months of school...excluding the 3 weeks break. I hope we can have a soccer gang chalet after poly is done. I'd enjoy that very much. Keeping things small and simple. Big gatherings like a sec4 express gathering would just be too hard to host or organise. I received a letter from SPF today...as in the Singapore Police Force. Anything abbreviated with spf doesn't go down well with me. So i just opened it up and divided its contents as evenly as possible amongst the gerbils. Then i saw this maple story hard paper thingy...some advertisement for the game belonging to my brother i think, and i fed it to the nibbly rascals as well. They should make short work of those undesirable things. My brother's broken up with his girlfriend. I wonder how long they were together before it ended. A very brief period i'm sure. While he is old enough, i'd hardly say that he has the mental maturity to go into a proper relationship. soo...hah~ now i wonder what my sister is up to in that department... She pissed the shit out of me today, using the computer to watch fucking smallville while she was supposed to be arranging all her accumulated JC documents and stuff. GOD DAMN YOU~! i've work to do bitch. She got on my mother's nerves this evening. My mother can't seem to understand why my sister's prom means so much to her. Mother said it's as if my sister was going for a pageant...miss universe to be more specfic, to that, my father replied "to her it is" That one night of glamour, a chance to show off that flashy side of you that others normally miss out on simply because everyday you are garbed in that dull and dreary uniform. Well everything seems so random tonight. Mixing and aeration in a bioreactor help to distribute bubbles and immiscible liquids, suspend microorganisms, and enhance heat and mass transfer.
He's done it again he has...God damned fool. Why do i always seem to be facing these things alone!? some things you have to fight on your own they say...this must be on of them. You misled us for 6 months you mother fucker! I can't believe that after all this time, after i've completed my report, after i've done the project, i learn that the original project title was so different from objectives we were working towards! Sure you can twist it any which way you want, but it doesn't change the fact that if i had known, i'd have taken a different approach, chosen different tactics. You constrained our movements with your stupidity and because of that, i am going to get my ass kicked during the presentation. BURN IN HELL!!! BURN DAMN IT!! BURN!!! So much for bloody guidance Cyril Chua, you've bloody misguided us! When both your groups suddenly realise that their project titles are different from what they thought they were working on, i would hardly consider it coincidence. I hope you realise that you've fucked it up this time. When we came to you with the problem of our inability to isolate actinomycetes...The very least you could have done was to point us to the alternatives, turn us towards the right path. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NO you couldn't, you just left us to grope around blindly in deep water. It's just like our second sampling run, groping about in the murky waters of P. Hantu, hoping with all my heart that i would find a suitable sponge. Glancing up, my heart would fill up with trepidation and uncertainty as i watched the tide quickly rush in. That one sampling run captured the whole of this project in one image.
Well. I don't suppose anyone knows what it feels like, to be facing medocrity day in day out. It's like this open wound that never clots. For a person of my pride, it is like a wound that festers. Last week i received the results for my plant biotechnology test. 18/30. I was utterly crestfallen. I felt inadequate. I should be challenging them for top places this semester. Not languishing in obscurity. Few things have gone right...i'm gonna keep trying though. Not much else i can do. Cyril Chua...once my grade for this is out, i will do everything i can to get you in heaps of trouble. BIG ELEPHANT PILES OF SHIT SIZED HEAPS!
On an entirely separate note: Do NOT use what you know so little about.
Microsoft is fucking around with me. The report is due tomorrow and i can't access hotmail. I find my mobility severely compromised.
If this is a sign of things to come, i'd much rather have no part of it. It feel so cold, and its icy regard turns me off. Pushed me to the point where i wanted to retaliate in a vengeful and malevolent manner. Break a shin or two, just to satisfy my lust for revenge brought about by the pain of that frosty touch.
If there is one thing i hate so very much, it is feeling useless, inadequate and redundant. It just annoys me so much to feel as if my presence has scant value. I can do so much more, i can contribute so much more. I don't feel comfortable being a spectator while others make a difference. My mood has been totally messed up today due to a single event. Now my face muscles are tired and weary from scowling for the better part of the day. Anyone who'd seen my face would have said that they could see a storm brewing in my eyes.
My facial expression is still a dark one now, a night cycle didn't help it much. It's not fun to watch loving couples stroll by in happiness, hand in hand with an air of such blissful peace. While i ride by with bitter unhappy thoughts running tracks across my harsh cold mind.
I can only blame myself for allowing myself to get sucked into this cycle of self-hate and depressive thoughts. All will be well once i get my sleep. Then i will have to decide if it is wise for me to go for band tomorrow, considering how i feel right now, i probably won't.
In spite of the FYP report deadline that is quickly hurtling towards me at a break neck speed. I still managed to squeeze in some time for beach soccer on Wednesday. The matches were good and very fast paced, and fast paced beach soccer means panting players. Especially since we're not Brazilian and do not have that ability to stand in one spot and pass the ball around through sheer juggling ability. I basically enjoyed myself thoroughly, throwing myself spiritedly into the games, using sheer grit and some measure of skill to amuse myself. It's always nice to get the adrenalin going while your skin gets toasted by the afternoon sun. I am reddish now, to my obvious delight.
This FYP business is a hugely stressful affair. It's due next Friday, i can't swallow that fact properly, it's literally choking me and causing my eyes to bulge. I'm SCARED. I still have to work on the formatting, the Abstract, the Introduction, the Contents page, the Cover page, The References segment. HOLY SHIT MAN! I can see why this semester's E learning week assignments are relatively meager. They're being merciful, given the shit load of work that FYP reports require, i'd say that i am as busy if not busier than usual.
I've been reminded of how lovely school can actually get at night. In the hours after all classes are done and when the meager few who remain are there doing part-time diplomas or projects. The atmosphere is cool and rather dewy, there is a scent of greenery permeating the air with a freshness that awakens the mind. The lights are not too glaring and blend in magically with the shine of the moonlight onto areas unlit by lamps. No noisy students roaming about like a pack of wolves with nothing better to do but bay and howl. There is a stillness and calm in the environment which sets you at ease and allows a strange peacefulness to seep into your mind. I liked the feeling very much. It made me very unusually polite, i actually said "thank you very much" to the librarian after she had removed the safety casing from the CD's i was borrowing to pillage music from.
I introduced my new Boraras brigittae this morning... the FUCKING shrimps ASSAULTED them. Those bastard crustaceans. I saved them from a ghastly doom by not feeding them to the ravenous pearsei...and this is how they repay me. The fat female managed to actually EAT one of the week little things. So i just fed all but one of them to the cichlids. That's for eating my expensive new toys...sons and daughters of bitches...
One good point was that i finally managed to observe shrimps hunt. It's something you don't see very often in the aquarium, because they tend to be the hunted. It also taught me that such is the way of nature, it doesn't take into account rarity or novelty or any such very human concepts. Only the fittest will survive, those that don't, die or evolve.
Food poisoning. I woke up at 4am on Tuesday morning clutching myself in agony as i lay in bed with sweat dripping from the sides of my head. Then i had a fever at night. In spite of all that, i still managed to find my way down to Novena to get that new 1ft cube tank i've been planning to to acquire for some time now. I actually cradled the damned thing in my arms all the way back home becaue of the peak hour traffic. The things i sometimes do for my hobby... i could endure quite nearly anything in pursuit of what i deem valuable.
Once again, i have stumbled upon a gem of a CD at the school library. Voices in Harmony. It is a compilation of songs which the album title explains quite clearly. Features stuff by the Everly Brothers, Beach Boys, and Simon and Garfunkle. Golden oldies one and all.
For the first time in my short poly life. I am actually enjoying going to school. When the company is right...time can pass pretty quickly. A mere 3 months ago, it would have been excrutiating pain. I've gotten used to my classmates now though, they're not entirely preferable to some of my other friends, but they have their merits as does everyone else.
I shall now take a brief moment to whine about my final year project. Final draft is due at the end of the week...Discussion is not done. Results consist of a table that spans 2 and a half pages. THIS IS NOT GOING WELL. I hope Shahid is feeling like a genious because, i've put in as much as i can to make the earlier bits of the report go smoothly, and i am now placing my sanity and faith in his ability to produce a good discussion.
