The holidays officially began yesterday and boy has this school vacation come with its own set of annoying problems. It's been a very emotionally and mentally taxing day. I sit down listening to Miles Davis' Harmon-muted trumpet playing and i feel just so completely drained.
The project, the eternal thorn in my side has found yet another way to vex me with its on going list of problems. Gram staining of 36 colonies of bacteria was a miserable failure. All we got was...nothing... just smeared dots of red and purple here and there, the odd large red-black spot and just...nothing. I'm just too tired to even go through the usual emotions associated with a failed experiment...disappointment, shock and a whole host of other similar emotions. It's like i skipped the whole process and just plummeted into the resigned exhaustion that inevitably awaits at the end of each attempt. Well, i'll just try again, less enthusiasm, less hope but still the same determination. Simply because that's all that there's left.
Then i look to the other major time consuming part of my school vacation, which is the band and anything "bandy". More problems, unexpected and undesirable. Chalet date approaches, something to look forward to? Nope...not when you have to coordinate it. Bad response from the alumni... lets see. Janice, I, Farzana, Felix, Syafiq, Kai Yee, Qizheng, Chang Yuan, Norman, Siew Li, Qing Qing, Chenpei, Khairul...and yeah..that's about all the people i can confidently say will turn up at some point during the day -if i've missed a name...it's unintentional or you haven't fucking told me if you were coming you cock sucking ass-wipe-. I've only collected the BBQ money from Norman, so... That is a MAJOR problem, you can't buy food without money. Now, why do i have growing displeasure with each alumni activity? It's all so inconsistent. At least my project is consistently a failure, this is just a real pain.
Now what about going out with friends, i now know why i can't stand going out with my sec school mates sometimes. When i don't turn up, they treat it like i owe them fucking something, like it my fucking duty to turn up. This is not in reference to any recent episode, just a rant about some thoughts done in retrospect. Anyhow, at least with the band people like, i can miss the occasional movie and the way they react to it, has the air of, "oh too bad, next time then i guess". It's less pressurizing and i feel less obligated. There's no such thing as, "oh we always ask him and he never turns up anyway", it's the fucking attitude towards it. Always about attitude... this is odd considering i've always been considered "the one with the attitude problem". Nobody understands. Period.
Bought a huge clump of Java Moss. Gonna experiment with best methods for proliferation without the use of carbon dioxide.
I think i'm a rather fucked up individual. I'm in one of those moods again, where i hate everything and everything should burn and die. Well it's not quite so bad, i thought about my past and i wondered if at one point i was actually suffering from depression.
I told my aunt at dinner yesterday that i didn't like kids...period.
Well, needless to say, she replied with "but you were a kid once yourself".
So i go, "what makes you think i liked myself as a kid"
She passes a random comment reminding me about how i never smiled and everything.
And i'm like...."there you go"
Truth is...i hated myself as a child. So you can't quite blame me for hating kids. When i grow up, i'm gonna look out for low self esteem in my kid. Don't want him becoming messed up. Part of the reason i hated myself as a kid was that i felt like less than human sometimes. How often are kids taken seriously anyway. I felt like a second class citizen.
I lost a huge patch of skin off my right sole. The injury is on the balls of my foot. That mean's i'm fairly immobile right now... I keep saying it's a god awfully huge blister, because i've it wrapped in a bandage and i limp around. Rather ugly sight. It's getting better though. Thank heavens it is just skin. Well...raw skin..which burns like fire when blood flows to it after i've lay prone for too long a period.
My section is not appreciative period. Or could it be that i'm just not making that much of a difference at all. What's real? Any sense of satisfaction i attain through returning to help, putting in effort here and there to help you band people in anyway within my capabilities- i wouldn't use the phrase"to help you improve" because that would be a tad presumptuous and high and mighty of me-, showing concern now and again all for the big picture...or rather the benefit of other people, it could all be illusory. Shades and shadows without substance conjured up by my mind to feed my ego! Just so that i can indulge in my own vanity, at least having this, i can tell people i'm doing something noble right? Bloody shit...
But you know what, Chelsea made me feel more appreciated... It's really just as simple as asking me to come on Friday to help. It is really just so SIMPLE. Edwin got a message from Yan Jun thanking him for coming, and asking him to come more often, a very sincere gesture. Heart warming i might add. Yes, i actually do have a heart capable of sensing warmth and other such things. Always the intangible things...
I made an ATTEMPT at helping Joanna with her E Maths today. HOLY SHIT...i wasn't prepared for it, i was hoping that everything would just seep back in gradually. Well it didn't. My head is polluted with APC - T cell interactions, antigen processing pathways and whatnot.
It's so odd how some people have this uncanny ability to put a smile on your face. The right gestures at the right times, the appropriate things said when you need them the most. All the while they're sincere about it, and you know that there's somebody who has really made a difference in your at some point or other. I can't quite put to words, without sounding silly, how much i appreciate it.
Funny how it's been like 20 years...ok..a few months since i last had a chat with Joanna. All it took for me to get a conversation started was to hijack her conversation with my sister while my sister was in taking a shower. HAH, just like i used to. Anyhow, we caught up, asked about life. And then i inevitably ended up helping her with her pointless assignment that involved writing down three points for her testimonial. Just like old times, editing the english, making things sound pretty, even if i had to embellish the truth a little. Yeah, i miss those times in secondary school, when we would be doing duty at the front gate and i would help them with their english essays and stuff. Well, through lending a hand with the testimonial thing, i managed to learn more of what she'd been doing in the past few months and stuff. Things that are too boring to bring up in conversation and all. Oh well, and it just ended of really nicely, and it's like this quick balm for me during this exam-stressed period, just being reminded that that there's someone i for some strange reason can connect with. Well i don't know how well i summarised that..
I skipped band to study, or rather to keep the mood or system running at the optimal rate...i don't know if it worked...maybe i should have gone. I'd like to see how the band blog works out really.
Daniel from Switzerland came over. I just found out that he has a girlfriend who cycles and does all those physical stuff with him. I learnt that in summer, there's this 4 week train pass that allows you to go around Europe...to like Austria, Germany, Italy, Switzerland and places in the region for a price of roughly 300 swiss francs... I AM SOOOOOOOOO GONNA DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. After NS, i'll save all the pay i get, and splurge it all on Europe. Now all that's left is to find like-minded friends to do this with.
Oh fuck. Oh great glorious fuck. I've really done it this time. I left half my Immunology notes in the library. I open my back...and...my heart begins to pound like so many thousand base drums at once. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY?! I've got the text book all is not lost...but....it gave me focus those fucking notes gave me focus. My study system is fucked now. Now stay calm...i have to stay calm...notes are available on blackboard..god bless blackboard and Mrs Mark. I can still print them...i ain't fucking gone yet... I have to FOCUS on tomorrow's test and worry about Immunology after you walk out half an hour before the end of it. COMPOSURE...shit..this is really inconvenient.
I'm back to normal...almost..could use some alcohol. Back to work...
Oh...i'd forgotten to add this bit in earlier. YET another nightmare! In addition to the recurrent one where i find myself desperate slashing and stabbing at an undead creature, it has a very Hungry Ghost Festival theme to it that dream. Either way it tires me out. It involves me falling through air and slashing at flesh to preserve my life. Last night, i dreamt about exams...i was sitting for a test, which seemed to have only one page of questions. After i was done i sat there happily waiting for time to run out. That's when magically...the way it always happens in dreams...i find that i have like 20 more pages to do!! i start to panick really bad because there's like 5 minutes left on the clock and i very very desperately try to fill in the blanks. I'm frantically losing my mind over it....everyone is starting to hand their papers in, i stand up and do it, walk out into the corridor and do it. I beg the teacher for an extension. Then i give up and wake up.
I am clearly not in a very sound state of mind. BLEARGHHHH!
I feel isolated. Alone. More so than usual. Sometimes it seems as if nothing around me is genuine. I'm really just surrounded by shades or holographic images. It is not that i take my friends for granted. It's just that, i don't seem to have the right ones for the right situations. Damn..this is hard to explain. Let's just say i'm feeling lonely during this period. It's fairly tense. Not quite as bad as one or two of the previous semesters, but not having anyone to share the tension or stress with...or to release it with through conversation or whatever it is that will distract me from it, is quite lonely.
I saw a beggar today, i felt disgusted...and i didn't feel any pity. I thought that he should just go do something with his life. I saw a dead kitten in the newspapers, i sat looking at the picture for a long moment, just absorbing the scene...blood flowing from the back of its skull forming a small pool below the edge of the pavement. Do i lack compassion? perhaps.
Oh.. that the beauty of your eyes would for a moment
bless my pitiful existence with the briefest of glances
a glance to pierce and steal my soul
and send my heart into the throes of blazing passion
unheeded
unseen
a shadow shrouded in shadows
a play of light, a blur
and then nothing.
Insight: bitterness is not good.
Ok...so i can't quite call it an insight, but on sunday my aunt and my former tutor gave me a lesson on perspective. All through life, you're going to meet people who are just plain fucking stupid dipshits. And when things go wrong, you spend too much time blaming them for their part in it, or the part they did not play. Their names form part of a list of people who have made your life unhappy, and progressively the list increases, along with the bitterness. Cyril Chua, i don't blame you for being born an idiot. I can't help it if you don't know that the tides...come everyday... So as long as i keep doing my part, i will pass this fucking module, even if i have to tear down Pulau Hantu in the process. I can't honestly say that my life is shit really. My aunt's boyfriend of 14 years left her for somebody else. That's seriously shit.
I've been reading Darwin's Dream Pond. It's about a scientists and his adventures in Tanzania as he tries to uncover the mystery behind the Furu in Lake Victoria. Are they a species flock- all descended from a common ancestor? How did the speciation occur? Among the theories discussed were, natural selection resulting in different trophic types, sexual recognition as a means of preventing hybridization and sexual selection. Now i'm a catholic and to suscribe to the theory of evolution would be wrong. Muslims and Catholics alike would be mortified by the possibility that we could be descended from monkeys to put it crudely. Problem is, i don't have a problem with it.
I watched Click. Best Adam Sandler movie i've seen in a very LONG time.
Those emotions are out in the yard and romping about. Bad. It's hard to keep a tight leash on them, things are perfect the way they are, don't want to change the status quo. How the hell did i manage it the last time? Should it get easier or harder with age.
I had a scowl on my face 80 percent of today.
