Just what is the difference between ego and pride in oneself? Perhaps there is no difference. But pride is most often associated with good and honourable deeds. I defend my country with pride, i stand up with pride in the face of adversity. Pride, honour and glory. Ego on the other hand, is often used to describe situations where pride goes to one's head, when a person is self-centered and openly indulges in himself or herself...most frequently used on men of course. My opinion is that they are one and the same.
I don't like the way things stand in the organization. I feel as if i am merely there to make up numbers. Perhaps i am there also because of political reasons, you cannot have a government made entirely up of people from one faction. The other faction must surely have a representative, if only so that it looks fair and proper on the outside. So that it looks as if everybody's interests are represented. EVEN if the the truth is that person is a mere figurehead. No i most certainly do not like being the one who is dispensable, the one who is there out of diplomatic or political neccessity.
When my friends invited me to play DOTA... seeing that i was the only inexperienced player, and further more that i was there to make-up numbers. My EGO -because this is a situation where pride is refered to in a bad light- came to the fore, and screamed with indignation. The scream became a howl of rage, when they promised me that i would not be killed in at least the first game. An offer which was meant to pacify my reservations and convince me that i might have fun taking a part in the game. But it did quite the opposite. I demand equal treatment, my pride will not stand for such condescending behaviour. And i listened to my pride and ego, both of whom whispered that i should not desire to join them.
I firmly believe that i am a mere figurehead in an organization, in which i have no proper authority excepting that of the title accorded to myself. The influence i hold is only through my sheer vocality and expressiveness. Very much the Roy Keane kinda of leader i suppose. It is insufficient...or unsuitable maybe in this particular scenario. I can scream and cajol all i want, it will not get lead me to any satisfaction in the end. I have a feeling that is my administrative skills that has ultimately done me in. I was never one for paper work. When he called out those names a mere month ago, to receive recognition on behalf of the organization. My heart sank as my body would through water, if it had been tied to a boulder and thrown overboard. Nay... my EGO is bruised, and pride screams in indignation once again. I don't want a part in this much longer, i do not feel wanted nor do i feel respected for my peculiar style of leadership. Aye... i will give it heavy consideration in the months to come, should i find the situation still to my distaste. I tell you most solemnly, you shall find yourself in want of a replacement.
Pardieu i shall never be the last to be chosen!
It has taken quite a while, but it is beginning to seem like i have finally softened my poisonous opinion toward my classmates somewhat. And it's happened again. I type a single sentence, and the flow of my thoughts just seem to run head first into a dam.
I've presentations to do this week, one for Hybridoma technology and another for LSP - which is my GEMs..i have to present a song-. I must say that i hate doing presentations, i'm confident to the point of arrogance and unfairly critical. I seldom ever have a nice thing to say, and yet, when it comes to my turn to face the light, i inwardly flinch away. I am judgemental, but i dislike being judged. I might even go as far as to say that i fear judgement. I suppose that a great source of my unease would be having to face someone exactly myself. A cruel disinterested audience. Whose only goal in being present is to make me feel lousy about myself. Christ said....do unto others as you would have them to unto you. Given the way i treat other people, it is only fair that i receive a fair serving of that foul tasting gunk that i dish out for them ever so often. Why then do i treat people so badly? I don't draw any pleasure from hurting people. I sometimes wonder if i do it because i think everyone is wont to treat me in that way, have i truly so low an opinion of my self that i always immediately expect ill treatment, and with that messed up misconception, i decide, and very naturally so, that i should not want to be at the receiving end, so give it to them first whether they deserve it or not. Does that make the least bit of sense at all? Am i a pathetic self-hating individual who in turn showers hatred upon others, because i am selfish and conceited, and if i can't feel happiness or self-satisfaction, then nobody else deserves to feel it? Maybe i still hate myself. Talk about self-esteem problems... I hated myself as a child, everyone inch of my person, just wasn't good enough. I thought that i had overcome those emotions of self-loathe. Were they just pushed aside temporarily then...? My bitter emotions and opinions toward others, a manisfestation of my own feelings towards myself. That makes me a coward, my false bravery and daring, but an illusion, drawn from my knowledge that i can harm people with words. With words that i would as easily use upon myself. I need help...hahaha, clearly i have issues. Bitter resentful people hate everything because most of all, they hate themselves. If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else? I lack respect for myself, which is why i lack respect for others. An all-consuming jealousy, that devours on sight. Respect isn't a sign of weakness, respect is not submission. It is on the contrary, a sign of strength.
I am not strong...
Reality and illusion. The line that separates the two...so fine...so blurred, that often, one is unable to tell the two apart. Perhaps there is no difference in truth. What governs it all is perspective. Things are only as real as you believe them to be real. The age old example being a glass filled with water to the halfway mark. Half full or half empty? Which one is real? They're both correct. Perhaps the same goes for true strength and self-denial. What happens when the odds are stacked so heavily against you. When you intend to defy the odds. When you decide that with sheer will power alone, you would be able to flip it over in your favour. Is that a show of strength, or self-denial...an act of avoiding the inevitable... Nothing is inevitable then, probability only makes it seem so.
What reason do i have for being such a bitter and cynical person? I think what is most pathetic is that i am resentful and i don't even know why! I don't really suffer from any material hardship. I have no want of money and i am not lacking in nourishment. Yet... i hate nearly everything. I'm just one of those foul creatures who wouldn't recognize beauty even if it sat right in front of me. It is not that i take good things and brilliant company for granted. I suppose that being the way i am and given that i view the world in a dark shroud of gloom and disgust, I actually do appreciate the times when i truly enjoy myself. The problem is that when I am having fun, i find that i have the propensity to slip into melancholy reflection -Everything is an illusion, this is not real, what am i doing here?- And a dark cloud glides with sudden ease over my countenance. Doomed...that's what i am. Have to stop wallowing in self-pity too. It's a step backwards...
I never did realise how i stood so far apart from my classmates in terms of my mentality, which is clearly a rather dark one. They're having fun and enjoying their education while I constantly curse the system and wish a plague upon the school. A fountain of negativity... that is what i am.
I think i've been doing a horrible job as vice-president of the band alumni. More on that some other day...
I've been making progress with the geekhood thing. Two movies in one long weekend! That's way more than what i accomplished in 3 months last year. MI3 was a fun movie...nothing incredibly intellectual, just loads of fast paced entertainment. Spent lots of money this weekend. Food...i ate dinner at Breeks on friday then i had dinner at Brewerkz on saturday night. This was followed by a few mugs of beer of course. We went there to watch the FA cup final. The atmosphere was INCREDIBLE! We were pumped up and cheering. I was generally throwing my support in all directions. I asked for a good match and i got a great one. Liverpool's fight back wasn't beautiful but it was exciting enough. I've found myself a reason to go to a club! While walking along Clark Quay and talking abt grinding-pua chai- i was looking into some of the clubs. And i saw a huge fish tank! There's all the reason i need to enter a club. Maybe i'll do it one day. If i've not died of hypertension. I found out today, while at my grandmother's place, that i'm suffering from high blood pressure! My blood pressure is 145/76. That's high even for a balding middle-ager with a paunch. Oh dear. I don't need this. It could be the stress..but it is more likely my diet, which i give little care in watching being young and quite confident in my own health. Clearly a misplaced confidence. My thoughts haven't had much fluidity recently, i have found it quite difficult to create entries.
It's been a bad day. The resilience is fast running dry. i can't take much more of this polytechnic. the sooner i leave the better. I should be enjoying education, the thirst for new knowledge should be as a fire burning in a parched throat. The scum employed by the poly has killed whatever spark i had left. Damn Cyril Chua..damn his irresponsibility..his uncaring attitude..damn it all. Only a week ago, i was convinced that my final year project would be the one involving the effects of stroke on rats..NEUROSCIENCE! Thanks to this bastard...we are now left with a vague topic regarding bacteria in soil. Dreams..as dirtied as the soil i am to find the bacteria in.
Lost.
Vulnerable.
Alone.
Staring into nothingness with my eyes glazed.
