Chinese New Year, important festival for everyone in Singapore. It's come and it's gone, and i am relatively richer now. Yet, i am that much closer to the exams and i still feel so unprepared. As every other chinese person and some non-chinese, i went visiting, and what was most interesting about this, was that some of my relatives said that
i'd changed.
I smile more apparently. My expressionless face is a countenance of hostility and arrogance i think, that i've been told more than once before. Now i am told by various people whom i am related to that i look extremely different when i smile. The adjustment of a few facial muscles and a different person emerges?
The next difference was something i realised today, starting at roughly twelve am and concluding at 5:30 something as i walked home from Jonathan's place. It all began at the Hong Bao River Festival, i went there with the old Ping Yi 201 gang and two new additions, Xiuting's boyfriend, who has this damned chinese name which i have no idea how to pronounce. -Thankfully he told us to call him Wong, isn't that nice?- The other addition was Zeling...i don't know why he was there, but i didn't affect me adversely so what the heck man. After lots of stupid lame things like, sitting on a gondola the tip of which only reached a height of 7 feet, and taking countless lame photos on and around trees and the war memorial. We finally started looking at the horoscopes for the year. I am by no means a person who believes in such things, firstly, i think that every prediction is annoyingly vague, and secondly..there is no scientific basis for any of it. Anyhow, we went to read up on the predictions for the lucky buggers born in the Year of the Rabbit. 1987! Academically, it was predicted that we would fare well. We were told not to work to hard, and to spend our vacation time properly, so that we might meet new people and establish new relationships and such. By vacation time, i am assuming school holidays, by school holidays, it would mean the period that is coming in about 5 weeks time. The one which my ITP (attachment) swallows up. So i guess that means i will be making new friends during the ITP, only if i make an effort to ermm...smile i guess. The other bit that i read at least twice and mentally highlighted was the romance bit. The plastic board that with words printed on it CLAIMED that this would be a good year for the rabbit! -on a side note, this was also mentioned in the horoscope of those born in the Year of the Snake..i can't remember what year that is- So it is possible that i shall find the ideal partner, and that relationship may result in marriage. -imagine how entertaining that revelation was for all the singles in the group, we literally shouted at the sight of that.- It also proclaimed that i would do well in social functions. Yeah, those were the two lines i highlighted mentally; ideal partner and do well at social functions. Anyway!!! the change is that, it actually mattered, it actually had weight. Normally, i take such notions with little enthusiasm or bother. This time round, i seriously thought about doing something about it. Could be the age. In any case, this should prove to be a very interesting year.
So this melange of "what ifs" and considerations have been swimming within my thoughts since December and i'm not any closer to reaching anything that can rightfully be deemed as conclusive for decision making. This much i do know though, i'm not sure i want any further part in this messed up politically infested affair where past meets present. Their mission is noble, alas, i am anything but noble. While my good will remains, i no longer desire to remain in an official capacity any longer. The burden and its tag is not mine to bear, for i've never liked complications. I am not yet done, but in this i'm afraid i am. Numerous reasons have swayed my sentiments in this direction. Having to deal with expectations, coming at me from so many countless different angles. With power comes responsibility, and a duty to carry out that responsibility for the good of others. And with this responsibility, one finds oneself subject to the scrutiny of others. Scrutiny that finds its voice in the form of judgement; generalisations, opinions infused with the taint of sickly green rivers of poison, the true identity of which reveals itself as fallacy.
It is not so much the responsibility that irks me, but the tag. The tag that shows you the brand of the garment. The brand is a bane, while the design and model of the garment is but a facade that has no true value. I now seek to extricate myself from this messy of twine. A move not meant as an escape but one that seeks to lessen confusion brought about by the conflict this garment forces upon the shoppers. Aye, i do not see it as a cowardly act, denial this may seem, but i have faith that the removal of this line of clothes should see a huge weight lifted from the market.
By all that is good and kind, we had no intention of getting him so damned worked up over something. Firstly, there was
no malicious intent involved, just some of what i had initially assumed to be harmless clowning around. If i had known you would taken the gesture so personally i'd have drawn the line! GODS! I've no damned intention of going around and hurting people by overwhelming them with my more creative linguistic manipulations. Yet...i seem to manage it with such ruthless efficacy all the same, and more often than not, it is without the conscious awareness of the victims feelings. I just unwittingly make them feel so insulted that it is difficult for anyone in that position to be able to control an outburst of heart felt frustration-to put it very kindly for i'm sure that must be a string of curses flowing in accompaniment with the tense emotion-..
There you go, that's as close to an apology as anyone is going to get from my foul utterings. In any case,
i apologise for putting you under linguistic siege. And for cryuing out loud, if you knew me any better, you'd know that i do clown about a tad excessively... so try to be a weeeeee bit understanding.
I'm stoned...at the very least...i have completed my segment of the damned report, so there's something that should put my fluttering nerves to rest. Although i am ashamed to admit that the standard of work is a very accurate reflection of my enthusiasm towards the assignment. Keep this attitude up and all my modules are doomed to end in mediocre grades.
The revolution has BEGUN!!!! I bought a Salvini, the first loyal follower in my cause! And pray i will that it survives the drastic changes i am about to effect. To speak more plainly, i am revamping my tank, i am about to populate it with fish that have more outgoing personalities and that are perhaps more interactive than i have found the very docile and shy Lake Tanganyikans.
The dawn of the New World has come. I shall commence perhaps tomorrow, by removing half the rocks present in the tank, retaining only slate and the biggest most bulky ones which i can find within. Perhaps i shall remove the top layer of gravel...hmm, i doubt that is necessary though. Then comes the addition of fish, which will, most unfortunately i must add, be the slowest and likely most pain staking process. Because finding a winning combination of Central American's is only achieved through tedious attempts of trial and error.
Now to compound the problems posed by their robust natures, their territorial behavior and aggressive defence of that which they deem to be theirs means that i have to perhaps overcrowd the tank, or keep the occupants confined to a single species. Now a species tank, is something i've never been keen to undertake, because i love community!! whoopee!
Any-damn-ways, moving on now... My cat, got her plump furry ass stuck in the prison which is the garden store. That's below the stairs leading to the backyard. One might have noticed, that the weather has been very unfriendly and inconvenient of late. Chilly, wet, chilly some more, and wetter. Cats simply loathe the words cold and wet, hell, even i hate those words put together. So what she did to avoid the torrent of rain pouring down on our meek bodies, was to hide in the darned store, and she must have been stuck there for more than 24 hours! hahahaa, i swear i heard her meowing despairingly in such hunger and loneliness! It only occured to me to actually go conduct a brief search when my mother mentioned that she hadn't seen the rascal for two days. This cat for all her shows of independence and her aloof displays, is really such a baby. It's been 4 years since i got her, long time it's been. Here's something worthy of note, SHE DOES NOT HAVE A NAME! I today glossed over the possibility of calling her Chelsea -i've always had a soft spot for that name- or Felicia or even Felisin-that's a name i got from a fantasy novel-! Then again, it is just so odd to give her a name, because when i got her, she was already past her teens. And at that age, you surely would not like to be given a new name. gosh..i'm babbling.
School has not been withering me down lately, and i am ever so thankful for this temporary lull. It isn't exactly the doldrums, but it's a good feeling. Oh...i'd forgotten about the damned applied microbiology report.
I've been falling ill rather frequently of late, that must mean that my immune system isn't what it once was. Add to that my loss of hair and you have the products of the human body's reaction to stress. While i would not claim that stress is breaking me mentally and that i'm just a huge emotional bucket of crap, i am in fact quite fine, not suffering from any degree of depression whatsoever. It seems apparent however that stress is taking its toll on me physically. That leads me to wonder why i'm in this state. The source of stress could only originate from one area...myself. Why then, do i continue piling pressure on myself, only to see the effects of it manifest itself in the form of embarrassing hairloss?
Just last night, my aunt told me about how after more than half a century of life on this planet, she felt that attaining good results never really did matter in the long run. She was a classic over-achiever, good results in school, respected by her teachers, and destined to take on the mantle of teaching herself, because at the time, it was the job to do, something..for some reason..considered glamourous. She allowed pressure from society stand in the way of job satisfaction, and it gained her nothing in the end now that she is retired.
I am stressed by the possibility that the future holds nothing for me, because my perspective of the scientific field has been limited by the narrow confines of the polytechnic's local education system. I should know better of course. I have placed so much weight in being qualified that i have neglected the importance of being contented. It has made me angry and resentful towards the course, for taking away my social life, or life for that matter. It have given in the mental image of a soul devouring demon bent on sucking up my life's essence, leaving behind an empty lifeless shell.
Anyhow, i met my cousin Megan yesterday...i think she's 8 by now. Gods...she's a fierce one, and she seems rather bright too, "A" type personality same as i am, extremely defiant as well. Yet, there's something about her that tells me she's very popular with the guys in school. hahaha! I was playing a fool on a toddler's tricycle, and she's came up and said, "oooooooooo, so cute" Gushing like 14 year old girl...it sent a shiver down my spine. The only 8 year old to have ever impressed me through her personality. I'm glad she's my cousin...even if she's not familiar with me-that being the fault of my own anti-social behaviour-.
I did some acting again today, for Stef's friends, they got me placed in a position that has me very uncomfortable and it's left me feeling out of my league. I can't act mushy and romantic! Lord...i don't think i have it in me to be cheesy with pet names and lovey dovey gestures. It really did not help that i was rather ill today as well, not exactly in the best states of mind for creative acting. The only part i did well, in my bloody opinion is acting dead, i'm a dramatic son of a gun...not a romantic. Now, given my level of pride in my work, i was needless to say, fairly disappointed in my performance, i swear i could have given better quality! Then again...you've got to have a certain level experience in many of life's lessons in order to act like a couple. I am unfortunately unskilled in that area. So forgive me if i can't help but act unnatural because it's natural...heh..if you get what i mean.
I was interrupted while writing yesterday's entry by a call from my cousin. They were ging to Jalan Kayu for Roti Prata, and he felt it an injustice that i should be left out. My warmest gratitude goes out to him for remembering me, for wanting to share in one of life's more simpler pleasures with me. It's always very reassuring to know that at you are being thought of.
Gods..for all my confidence and bravado, i am surely bursting with an embarrassing amount of insecurities. The more i think on it, the more i find that i am, in truth, rather insecure.
My new year's resolutions should include, being a more thoughtful person and being less bitter about bad things in life because it is the bad things which make the good things good.
The end of one year, the start of a new one. With the new comes the promise of hope. Yet, where is this hope, it seems to elude me. Instead of feeling abundant out pourings of hope, the whole day has felt oppressive and really quite dreadful. It's the damned first day of the new year, and i feel so restless spending it confined at home. It's the kind of night which i want to pass letting loose with little care and concern until it's way past my bed time. As if to compound my misery, i have had so little to do that its reached the point where i'm actually dressed to sleep right now. It's but 15 minutes past ten. I shouldn't be stagnating at home~! I'm going to be 19 this year!!! BIG number that...sends a tingle of unease down my spine... Anyhow...back to how this day has increased my feelings of hopelessness towards the year that has come. Hope is a fundamental part of life, when hope is lost, what more is there to live for? Hope walks hand in hand with Goals and Targets. When one or the other is gone, how then does one look to the future? Nothing but a sense of futility and forebode. School opens in a mere day, and the effect that knowledge has on me is dread. Two tests on thursday, assignments to hand in, the worst of it comes in the form of having to see the gut twisting faces of my classmates after a blissful two weeks, during which contact between me and them has been limited to the occasional sms regarding homework. WHERE IS THE HOPE THAT COMES WITH A NEW BEGINNING!!??
Maybe it isn't all that bad in reality, perspective just taints the truth. Then again, how do i define what is real and what is an illusion? What is real or false to you is a matter of perspective. Perspective that can easily be altered under the appropriate conditions. The new year isn't all that bad, there is so much to look forward to, if only one is willing to alter the field of vision, to set it in the right direction. I am now, one year and one term closer to ending this torturous time in biotech. It's just a term and a year more, a relatively-perspective once again- short period of time that should not be difficult to grit my teeth and push through.
Something is missing, there's a certain emptiness that needs to be filled... an emptiness that has to wait until the end of the chapter in life that is made up by poly education before it can be filled in good conscience. Until then, i must constantly remind myself that, once i'm done with this damned diploma, so much more freedom will be mine to grasp...at an expense of course. A cost i am well familiar with-"responsibility".
