Just one last paper left, and i'm a free man for a miserly 4 weeks. Hope, there's hope now, a small glimmer of it, for the near future. Hopefully it will be a holiday well spent. Roughly 2 years ago, when i decided that i would enter Singapore Polytechnic, there was an abundance of hope. I fear nothing, i told myself that there would be no regrets. 2 years on, the hope has dwindled to one phrase, "somehow things always work out". I constantly remind myself that nothing is ever easy, so this is to be expected. What i certainly did not count on was an extinct social life. Shit, this is getting so stupid and mundane, this must be the 100th time i am whinning about the same themes over and over again. The essence of youth includes hope and passion, when an adult has these two attributes, and applies them in everyday life, eternal youth is possible. The secret to staying young is to resist all obstacles which seek to lay seige upon these foundations of youthfulness and vigour. Once the walls have been breached, the heart of your castle presents an easy target for your enemies, who may be circumstances or just plain nasty people around you. When one's barriers have been breached, it becomes so much easier to slip into bouts of depression, brooding and regret. This is why everyday is such a struggle, each passing day sees a whole new breed of evil making attempts at your happiness and sometimes the same fetid reak of an evil from the past reaching out across time to pull you back within its grasps. It is only when one succumbs to these attacks, that one loses his youth and vitality. The bite of hope and passion is often rendered toothless by the overwhelmingly heavy fog of disappointment that greets us at every unexpected moment each time our drawbridge is let down. And as the fog gets thicker and thicker, and visibility is reduced to a mere 10 metres ahead, as the energy of the sun is locked out, the vigour and the spirit of the garden of life begins to wither and die. Your castle becomes decrepit, vines and creepers begin to cover the stone walls, and soon consume every square inch of the edifice. Inside, the planks and beams begin to rot, as your soul is gradually supressed by the uncompromising effects of failure. The sanctity of youth is faced with desecration, its very essence in the deepest bowels of your being finally finds itself surrounded by darkness at every angle. No place to run, no place to hide, all that's left is doom, for which we abide, in regret we consider relenting all hope and passion. The white flag about to be raised, one considers the past, and how an alternative reality might have resulted in something better, something which shared more parallels with your dreams. Would things be different if i had done this particular thing or that? What if i had chosen to open a different door than the one i did? If i had taken a different route, what then?
What happens now, who will be the shinning light? Will there be a shinning light to guide my vessel through the storm? Will i run aground in the end anyway, just as i thought things were safe, in spite of having weathered the storm?
I've begun my exam preparations. The exam jitters hit me in a quick wave this afternoon, for one agonizingly long hour, I was hit with a huge pang of exams jitters. I was watching the Simpsons at the time. Well now that was random. My uncle just passed me some red jewels, piscivorous and highly aggressive fish. His friend's jewels had spawned and these are their offspring, holy cow i don't know what i'm going to do. I hate it when people are irresponsible fish keepers. They do not do the proper research, they keep species which could potentially land them in some trouble. Like in this scenario, now my uncle's friend has to give away the red jewel fry, he must be so desperate to get rid of them "humanely or ethically" he forgets that giving away such aggressive and solitary fish to a complete stranger is inhuman and unethical. Just think what might happen if they had landed in the hands of an inexperienced aquarist. I am highly experienced, and that's no boast, yet i was unprepared for this, these fish need a big tank, a 2 foot tank would be considered cramp housing. I now ponder on the possibility of euthanasia through affluence (flushing some down the toilet bowl), the extremely unprofessional yet tantalizing option of dumping them in the wild - which in this case is the longkang 5 minutes away from home - there are cichlids in there already you know, red devil/midas hybrids, flowerhorns, some tilapia, they might get hungry eating mollies all day. I really don't wish to keep them, and i would really rather not dump them in the hands of somebody else.
Back to the exam jitters, i don't feel prepared for my anatomy exam on thursday, i hate Elangovan's teaching methods. His lesson plans are so unruly and without structure, it is such a pain having to revise his material. I really haven't the slightest idea what to focus on or what to avoid.
Children in Singapore are doomed, this is a generalization, but a story i just heard about my aunt's god daughter leads me to conclude that, inexistance is preferable to being born in Singapore in this day and age. It is no wonder that there is an aging population thing going on here. These adults are merely playing their part in society, giving birth to a child and exposing her to the ridiculous amounts of pressure the kids here get is simply cruel. This poor girl is a grade 5 pianist and violinist and she is merely 7! Perhaps she is gifted, there must certainly be no small amount of talent within her to reach that level at so tender an age. But the pressure her parents have put her through to get there. She will never fit into society when she grows up. What use is there in having A stars in academics while one fails miserably in simple social behaviour. She told me her godmother - my aunt - that she had no time to chat with her on the phone because she had to complete her chinese homework. Lord almighty! at seven and already you are worrying about your chinese homework!? have you ever had the chance to play in the playground?
Behaving like an adult, a professional approach. Shit, i did not take such things into consideration when i took on the post of vice president of the Titans alumni. Which means now i have to watch my words, watch my body language and watch my volume. No more characteristic sudden loud and occasionally vulgar outbursts. So much for expressing myself naturally, i guess this is part of becoming a gentleman, an adult or someone who has responsibility and an image to uphold. So now when i go for band...or as long as i am in something or some situation where the band's image is concerned for that matter, i shall behave like a man. It's time to shed that last bit of teenage bravado and do what is required of you. No more picking of fights with security guards...hah..no more being stand offs with teachers and no more scolding of students in public.
*fanfare* Now that i have set a resolution, which is merely a beginning of course, i must translate this to action.
All this really proves just how fast i'm growing older. 18 already, and 19 in 7 months. Time does fly when you're busy living life.
I took a look at the new school today, it's definitely fancier and better equiped than it used to be. BUT, yeah...there's always a but. It just isn't home, i can take heart in the fact that the "new"...now considered the "old" block still remains, it preserves the homely feel.
Last night, i dreamt about NS....crap. On one hand, i look forward to roughing it out in the army. On the other hand, i'm going to miss out on so much with the band and friends.
One of the biggest benefits of going to church...for me...has been the homilies. Just last week, the freaky Priest with a music degree, gave a pretty darn good sermon about correcting people. God teaches us to correct people. So here's the dilemma, how do you correct a person, if you shouldn't judge him. Well, judge not his conscience, but his deed. I also learnt that if you don't take well to corrections, don't be so quick to correct. How about that, the church is actually teaching me the art of being a good person. Just this week, the sermon was about, forgiveness....a rather cliched topic, but still relevant. Doesn't matter how many times you have forgiven, just keep doing it!...learn from it of course..
This is all in stark contrast with a video clip of a City Harvest service i just viewed recently, crikey!! They have a weekly rock/pop concert going on there. They're yelling alleluia every 5 minutes and saying Amen in between those alleluias, as frequently as a local gangster would scream chee bye. And the sermon, from the pastor dude...it had no direction, no meaning..it was just plenty of similar phrases repeated endlessly, punctuated with the pastor asking for people to say amen. Their church doesn't build a person's character, this pastor guy has a seriously wrong concept of god/jesus and his relationship with humans. I should know man...the pope and i share a name! And i must remark the hymns they sang, blimey...just change the words refering to god to you, her, she, "a girl's name" and there you have a boyband song.
I pray for their misguided souls...
Now that the band is practicing at Ping Yi once again...-welcome home!!- and our minds are for the time being off that pestilent harlot who enjoys flashing her skin oh so much. I feel in the mood to help the band mount a serious challenge for the title of "top display band" The idea of training the trumpet section to play up to 2 octaves, really high C and really high D, has me thrilled. When...not if...but when we succeed, we will become the most powerful section taking part! It's a dream, but if i will it, it is no dream. Imagine the shock and awe it will give the judges and the band members in the audience. Can we make this reality, with strong seniors like Stephanie, Sheryl, Janice - that is assuming that they will make time to come back to share in this dream- i believe it is within reach.
