I recently gain a new insight on my sister, i thought i new her rather well, but this surprised me somewhat. Her secondary 4 class is organising a class chalet, and since she is part of the class, of course she was invited. She turned the invitation down in a very indirect manner by saying that she felt such gatherings were pointless. why would anyone think is such a way? Memories from secondary school are priceless gems meant to be stored for life, requiring the occasional dusting in form of the occasional class reunion. Would you turn down the opportunity to gather, to reminisce the good ol' times, to see how everyone has changed? I'm quite willing to kill in order to have a class gathering organised...it saddens me sometimes, we've all grown so distant. I'm not sure what compels my sister to do what she does, maybe it's her way of moving on from the past. Either that or she takes friendship for granted. Her secondary 4 class will always be one of the few places she can turn to for friendship, yet she dusts it off way such ease. Diane has become slightly detached from her class too, in her case, i'd say it's because she's moved on, and she was never really that incredibly close to her class.
Having some of the dragon babies back at band today left me feeling awkward for a number of strange reasons which i can't really put into words as yet. Maybe i look into the subtle nuances of social behaviour too much, sometimes seeing things where there really isn't anything to see, trying to find meaning in what might be nothing. But if there's one thing that has really annoyed the shit out of me is how Hui Xin always gets the section to greet Sheryl each time she waltzes into band. Sounds a whole lot like jealousy..i know. Surely it means something doesn't it, but they have only greeted me ever once, and i'm a constant presence in the band. Yeah, sometimes it hurts, i like it when i'm noticed, makes me feel appreciated, i put a lot of weight into feeling appreciated. When i leave band early for french on Mondays, i always feel a lot better when the members i pass by on the way out of school, take the initiative to say good bye to me sincerely as i walk pass. I feel so much more happier then, and i flash a grin of gratitude followed by a "see you".
Went for the prefect's BBQ, ever since the dragon baby batch left the school, it's seemed as if a vital part of the energy had left with them. I remember talking a lot of crap, during band or during prefect meetings or even simple outings to lunch or BBQs, that's missing in both areas. I don't see the friendly banter anywhere. It's taken a lot of the life out of band and the prefects BBQ was so tame and quiet...you'd think it was a poly class BBQ.
I thought it long buried, perhaps i was wrong. It was but for a brief moment, and i knew i'd been quite wrong. The memories come flooding back in a torrent of the past, my blood begins rushing faster in a moment that will not last. A choice to make to determine tomorrow's fate, the fickle ways of chance had a hand in creating this debate.
I may come to regret this, but wisdom is required in making the right choice, and wisdom tells me that to go would be folly,it is time to carry on with the journey. By choosing not to go, i am taking one step towards severing the thread which thugs at my chordae tendinae. Oh if only you knew.....
My mother thinks i look more tired than she does, even though she works for a much longer time each day than i do. Yeah, going for band and going for school is a real drain on my resources, the past two weeks have burnt me out quite a bit, and sleep is starting to be the one thing i look forward to the most each day. I spent most of my weekend playing FM 2006, trying to push the team to win the league is no easy task. 3 hours drawing and scrutinizing plant parts under a microscope has left me wishing for weak and rather brain dead...i end here
I managed to get sick this week, my eyes were puffy and my nose leaked fluids like an open tap. So i did something i never thought i'd do, i went to bed at 10.30pm. The experience reminded me of the value of sleep.
On wednesday, i decided to stick around after band, i put my foul mouth to good use, and then had dinner seated at the rostrum in the dark of the night. There was a storm that night, and that was the closest i'd ever been to lightning, and i swear any closer and i would be quite fried. As we sat at the foyer below what is now the old block, our conversation was quite punctuated by the bright flashes of lightning followed by loud rumbles of thunder every 8 minutes or so. And it was there and then that i came to the conclusion that of all the things in this world, what i fear most is the sheer immense power and ferocity of mother nature. The bolts of lightning seeming to be tossed down from the heavens above in an almost casual manner, had the ability to light up the whole school compound with the power of a huge camera flash. One particularly eerie bolt flashed red then white, and that had us all spooked for a time.
The next day, i went to school early, and was pleased to find that Isabel Yee, the lecturer in charge of my biotec practicals lives up to her name for being bubbly and cute beyond anybody's expectations of a CLS lecturer. She spent the early part of the morning guessing the names of the people who stepped into the lab, and giving english names to the people who didn't have english names. This lab session had me really disgusted by my classmates. Before thursday, i was never disgusted by them, just simply turned off, now it's reached a whole new level. They were i don't know how you would put it....flirting with the teacher in a most gut twisting manner, asking her if they could call her Miss Cutie...to which she replied most appropriately that she never expected them to be so direct. And that they might call her the usual formal names a teacher would expect to be addressed by. I've resolved to address her as Miss Isabel. I mean, i'm a rude and saucy lad, but i know my boundaries, and calling a teacher funny names and getting her to call you "Yandao" which means handsome, is beyond what i would consider normal and appropriate, where's your sense of propriety you sick biotech nerds!!
And for crying out loud....phage is not pronounced "fudge*. Haven't you found it the least bit unusual that you are able to pronounce phagocyte correctly while pronouncing the word which it is derived from in such an appalling manner?
Ah, and on to the subject of food, the Banquet at Jurong Point has to be the best of the whole chain, they actually serve food that tastes good!!! Bravo to that! This, is entirely random, but i suddenly feel like having a nice glass of red wine. Must be the effect of the weekend.
There's band tomorrow and my lazy bones tell me not to go...
I am a member of the alumni. That translates to my having a life outside of band. I no longer hold responsibility for or with the band and i no longer have to put the band in my list of priorities. The only elements that bind me are a sense of duty and passion.
What would happen if I should feel unappreciated, should I feel that my energy and time have been taken for granted? I’d get mad, fuming mad. My blood would boil.
Now I begin the ranting and raving, all done in the spur of the moment with the heated oversensitivity of youth. I speak for nobody but myself of course, I do not wish to make the presumption that everyone else feels this way.
I assumed that they would be working on the field today, that things would go ahead as planned and that they’d begin in the morning and work through the day. The day before, I informed them that I would join them gamely in their efforts after attending mass. And when I reached the school the bangle contractor told me that there wasn’t anyone around. He asked if I’d called them and that made me feel like a huge fool, for not thinking ahead as I usually do, to find out if any changes have been made. Yes, I should have done that before I left for school…I doubt I shall make a mistake like that again.
The issue, however, that left me seething with anger and simmering for the next four hours was the fact that I’d been stood up-AND I HATE BEING STOOD UP- by a bunch of inconsiderate ingrates! Are my intentions and good will that small and insignificant that I should be so conveniently and easily forgotten? Do you think it not kind and simple courtesy to inform me of any alterations that may have been made to plans?
Have my efforts to juggle my life for the sake of everyone else in the band but my own, gone so casually dismissed or overlooked when it comes down to the polite gesture of informing me that plans have been cancelled?
It’s a matter of ethics and principles…you DO NOT LEAVE SOMEBODY STANDING ALONE AND FEELING CONFUSED FOR NO UTTER REASON AT ALL.
I’m an 18 year old, who’s never been in a relationship, who’s taking the damned “nerdiest” course available at my level…as it is without the band I already don’t have a life. A normal 18 year old should be partying, gallivanting about the streets in town on a weekend. But I, I choose to spend my time with the band. Even that new band teacher was surprised by the alumni’s dedication. She let it slip…albeit rather inappropriately considering the fact she’s a teacher, that we should be spending our weekends out with friends and not with the band. We are so dedicated that we’d hardly have to debate on whether or not we should skip a lecture for band! And what angers me more than anything is that I am taking the initiative to pull my time out on a Sunday to spend it with you lot, suffering in equal pain while working on a stupid patch of grass, the results of which will never benefit me in any blooming way at all.
Maybe this was a one off glitch, shit does happen, and I might have been the only one left out of the information loop. It further provoked me when Janice sent me a message, as I walked home feeling like throttling somebody, apologising for her inability to attend. That made me furious, not just one but TWO very busy alumni, were as I termed it earlier “so conveniently forgotten about” What do you take us for? FOOLS?! Maybe we are fools for caring so much….. If you are capable of doing this to the two most regular alumni….I’d learn of how lightly you treat the more irregular ones.
Make me this mad again and I will make bloody sure that you regret this for a long time to come.
I’d like to see the band cope without the alumni returning OH SOOOO OFTEN to render our aid. I’d like to gauge the rate of your improvement then. Actually, it’s already been proven for crying out loud. Evidence lies in the state the Ping Yi’s band was in before they combined. They stagnated for a good half a year because the only person leading them didn’t have any aid at all. I have said it to myself often before that I choose to do this. Nobody forcibly compels me to do so, no one even requested that I do it. I do so out of duty. It is finally becoming high time for me to sit back and once again consider my choices.....ponder on my priorities, for it is beginning to seem like I’ve made a bad judgement.
Having said all that, this is going to be one lonely Sunday…...
My approach to being a senior in band has changed quite drastically since i first started going back. In my first outdoor as a senior, with each of my actions, there was always an underlying motive, i put a lot of effort into getting accepted by the band members on a more personal level. I tried my best to get to know the members, tried becoming a friend. I'd often try to involve myself in their outings, like the frequent movie or dinner after band. Hanging out was a very important thing, and it was crucial in helping bringing me down to their level, so that i could better help them an understand how to best render my services. Then, i felt like a member of the band, not merely an alumnus, but a member no different from the others. And when they achieved the gold, the special inner glow was a feeling shared by me as well as the members. Presently, however, things are much different, while i used to know each and every member's name then, now i have trouble just recalling the faces of half of the people i see each day. Perhaps it is still early?? I shall give myself till the end of the year to become acquainted with all the members. Oftentimes i find myself a little too aloof for my liking, old habits die hard... While i should be getting closer to my section with each practice, it seems that with each practice the communication gap becomes more glaring and obvious. I can't clown around with these people like i used to, i don't feel that same air of camaraderie that existed within the section not much more than a year ago. We used to have lunch together as a section, seniors and band members, together. We would rush back with them, even though we never had to comply with their timetable. Now, we simply get people to buy us food, and then we eat during their sectionals. I've never been out for a meal with any of these people come to think of it. -leaders of the band excluded- I know the importance of sharing a meal, it boils down to something deeper than just food. It just seems more family like, in an age where families seldom dine together, dinning as a section is akin to dinning as a family. This is a practice i must instill, a habit i must help enforce. I shall grant that it was much easier in 2004 because Janice and i were closer then to Joanna and Sheryl than we will ever be to Shahida and Hui Xin. I should not allow this small "generation gap" to come between my effectiveness as a senior. Frankly i think one reason why the band isn't as close knit as it was before is because the alumni has become a more seperate entity, something more individual and slightly detached. Observations show that back in 04, all of us dined with our sections, it helped to forge bonds, helped us get to know our sec1s and twos better, made us more human and less cold and official. If there is anything the alumni can do right now, it's to help lift the band's morale by injecting a little bit of our own inate spirit and passion during non-band moments. If only i knew how i should go about doing that, it's so bad now that i feel detached enough to go on without getting to know any of this kids better for the next few months until this volume of the "Tales of the Titans" has come to a close....
4 hours in the same classroom. Who in the name of all that is good plans these timetables and allocates these classes!? No matter, it would be easier to accept if i had a positive attitude towards this fucked.....oops, i mean unusual situation. At least i won't have to travel from T2 to T3, then to T5 and back again to T1. There's a positive right there, and it also gives us an excuse for taking slightly extended breaks since being in one classroom for a sixth of a day can be rather depressing and oppressive. I bought Paul Anka's "Rock Swings", it's a good album to have, i like it. Jazz renditions of familiar rock staples is a rather refreshing alternative to the usual stuff. I'm sleepy...this is probably going to be one of my shortest entries ever.
An escape from reality. That's what band is, a huge escape. I'm not quite sure if it's a good or bad thing. At this point however, i am inclined to see it as something which balances the scales. Adds a spark to the mundane and stressful life of being a student. Watching the kids living a care-free and easy going life reminds me of how i've had to grow with the environment and circumstances. Even then...there are problems which originate from the band.
People don't understand...I'm not fucking arrogant for god's sake...damnit i just have a very overbearing personality. And the only one who has been able to find the appropriate word is Norman, someone whose command of english isn't exactly the most brilliant. Shame on all of you who have thought to describe me as arrogant. Ignorant ass-wipes.
Anyway, i'm so damned overbearing it intimidates all but my soccer gang friends and the DA people. Damn it, i never really knew that my juniors haven't the guts to come and talk to me about issues which need to be seen to for fear of my "wrath". I should change it everyone says, change it to what? Would you have a weakling of a senior to look up to or one who never backs down from a problem no matter the severity of it. I AM WHO I AM!!! You take away the aggression from Rooney and his influence on United will dip into the mediocrity of being the average player. You take away this aspect of my behaviour and you may not have somebody as committed to the bigger picture. Understand that i mean no harm, and i do not mean to put you down. Someone will change me, i hope, someone who cares enough to go all the way. As for now, changing is not an option, nor is it a possibility regardless of how easy it may sound. I hate being told to change, but i hate it more when they are right to say that a change is called for.
Je deteste ma classe. They are the same people i've had the misfortune of being stuck with for the past 1.5 years and i still can't seem to get rid of the scoundrels. What should i do during my 3 hour break tomorrow!? I'm looking forward to going for french lessons though, 4 weeks is a long enough break for me to start missing french class.
The DA's been split by technology, strange thing is that most of us are in the course i selected when i couldn't get our first choice. Sheer coincidence actually, i never asked any of them to opt for IT law, i never even considered taking IT law to begin with. At least my 3 hour break on friday won't be wasted. It's gonna be spent with the only people in Poly who i'm comfortable around.
