Why are they so cold, so uncaring, so indifferent toward my presence. It wounds me quite a fair bit. Greeted by silence, even slight acknowledgement would have been appreciated with warmth and reciprocated as well. The stark contrast of the emotions they radiated when in the presence of others felt like a lance running me through.
What could possibly be the reason for this. I feel very sad and lonely. I believe its because they view him as a more brotherly figure. I'll have to admit it, that he is. Something about me that makes me so different from most people. Maybe im treated cooly because that is the way i am. I have a strong feeling that when one thinks of me, i am certain the first word that comes to my certainly won't be affectionate or sensitivity. I kinda think that those two words might be the source of my misery. A brotherly figure is a very affectionate status for a friend isnt it. Something intimate..in a good clean way of course. I have never had a relationship with anyone at all described that way. That just might be the root of it all. I guess i really do have a problem expressing affection. Take for example my little cousins, i've never been able to get along with them the way my other cousins do. So much love is exuded. As for me, i can't even hug a person properly, the most basic form of expressing affection makes me uncomfortable and self conscious. How can this be so? If i cant even hug a loved one, how do i move on from there to anything further. When people look at my sister and i, they must go, now those are odd siblings, even the smallest spark of affection doesnt seem to exist between us. I have to release myself from these shackles...it is hurting me.
I must be a person dead of proper feeling and emotion. I have anger, passion, excitement and much more. But i lack the ability to get intimate in anyway with anyone. Without a girlfriend for all of my nearly 18 years of existance. That might be a contributing factor. I wish people would see me as someone they could talk to about problems, someone they can trust like a brother. Oh i do so love listening to problems and giving my constructive opinion, but few see me as an approachable person when it comes to matters of the heart im sure.
Damn it...being young comes with its own share of issues and insecurities....guess its a trade off. The essence of life involves balance. In spite of having spent more than 6 months in the new school. I still find that crucial something missing. This is life, absolutely nothing is ever easy at all.
C'est La Vie......
And in the blink of an eye, my holidays have ended. I must say, it was a rather eventful one. What with the trip to thailand, and all the preparations that came with it. To say nothing of the band camp but days before the beginning of school. I must say that having to wake up every morning and drag myself to school during the festive season. Really is not how i would like to celebrate a time of joy and giving. My time table is simply unreasonable, it leaves me no time to return to help the band. It has screwed up something which has been a routine activity for nearly the whole of the year 2004. And i am truly upset by it. I guess fate could not choose a more cruel situation to put me in. But i sometimes wonder if my presence really mattered at all honestly. The big question i keep asking myself is, am i appreciated, do they want me there at all to begin with? *sigh* A small case of the blues is what im suffering from. I'm also a little disappointed in the way my fellow seniors don't go back to help the band. We seem to have reached a point where there are no ping yi seniors returning to help. What with Felix and his inconsistency, Joanna's too. Now springfielders are the ones who are returning. It's ironic, but you would expect Felix and Joanna to be a little more enthusiastic with their attendence. Maybe it is because of the way Kenrick behaves. He is equally erratic sometimes. The way he treats felix is as unreasonable as my timetable. Joanna possibly doesnt return because she is uncomfortable with the vibes he is sending out. I can feel it sometimes too. Makes me edgy as well at times. There is a certain coldness to it which leaves me with a nasty taste in my mouth. I've given up hoping that felix and joanna can be relied upon to pull the band through this difficult period. Oh lamentable, lamentable period. I just wish there were more that i could do.
It really surprises me that after so long, the sight of her still stirs up emotions so strong that they send a tingles through my entire being. Her sweet eyes..so alive with beauty, my heart leaps with joy at even the mere thought of sharing the smallest moment of eye contact...lovely eye lashes complement her eyes like beautiful curtains over windows. Give me pangs of longing which i had initially thought long buried deep inside along with other such emotions i thought that i had suppressed. Oh please dont allow me to go on speaking, for i shall drown in my longing. Blast these memories, they turn me from a strong willed fighter into a sorrowful dog, seperated from its beloved owner and howling painfully through the cold night air with a sound which could tear even the coldest of hearts to pieces.
